The following column appeared in the April 18 issue of prairie dog magazine.
Hello JUNO visitors, nominees, performers and attendees! As Regina’s Mayor Of The Sea, I am thrilled and salinated to welcome you all to the 2013 JUNO Awards and JUNOfest — the spectacular two-night music festival with more than 100 artists at multiple venues in Regina and Moose Jaw.
(I’ve been told that some of you might not know who I am and may be confused by this introduction. For those unfamiliar with me or my office: my name is The Palinode and I’m a transplanted Maritimer who one day realized that Saskatchewan needed the ocean’s briny embrace. Last fall, I ran unopposed for my current position and now I intend to moisten this city to my satisfaction.)
This year’s JUNOs will be the first awards gala held in the salty depths of the ocean – hence our slogan, IT’S GONNA GET WET. Does Regina look dry to you now? Trust me, that shizzle is temporary. By the time this week is through, you’ll be giving out awards for Best New Octopus or something. So get yourself ready for a week of great music, good times and a significant risk of drowning.
I urge you not to panic as cold salt waters flood the auditorium on JUNOs night. Consider the advantages of attending an underwater awards show! For starters, sound travels nearly five times faster through salt water. That means the awards gala will only last 30 minutes. Also, Michael Bublé has gills. Also, nitrogen narcosis. Also, sharks.
Another thing: why do we always capitalize JUNO? Is that an acronym, like “Junk Umbrellas Never Open” or “Joint Under New Ownership”? Are we supposed to be shouting the word? Are the organizers all hard of hearing because they’re old? Youpeople are old. Stop olding up my underwater kingdom.
Yours in barnacles,
Mayor of The Sea