mayor of the sea

Mayor Of The Sea: The Unofficial JUNOs Welcome

The following column appeared in the April 18 issue of prairie dog magazine.

Hello JUNO visitors, nominees, performers and attendees! As Regina’s Mayor Of The Sea, I am thrilled and salinated to welcome you all to the 2013 JUNO Awards and JUNOfest — the spectacular two-night music festival with more than 100 artists at multiple venues in Regina and Moose Jaw.

(I’ve been told that some of you might not know who I am and may be confused by this introduction. For those unfamiliar with me or my office: my name is The Palinode and I’m a transplanted Maritimer who one day realized that Saskatchewan needed the ocean’s briny embrace. Last fall, I ran unopposed for my current position and now I intend to moisten this city to my satisfaction.)

This year’s JUNOs will be the first awards gala held in the salty depths of the ocean – hence our slogan, IT’S GONNA GET WET. Does Regina look dry to you now? Trust me, that shizzle is temporary. By the time this week is through, you’ll be giving out awards for Best New Octopus or something. So get yourself ready for a week of great music, good times and a significant risk of drowning.

I urge you not to panic as cold salt waters flood the auditorium on JUNOs night. Consider the advantages of attending an underwater awards show! For starters, sound travels nearly five times faster through salt water. That means the awards gala will only last 30 minutes. Also, Michael Bublé has gills. Also, nitrogen narcosis. Also, sharks.

Another thing: why do we always capitalize JUNO? Is that an acronym, like “Junk Umbrellas Never Open” or “Joint Under New Ownership”? Are we supposed to be shouting the word? Are the organizers all hard of hearing because they’re old? Youpeople are old. Stop olding up my underwater kingdom.

Yours in barnacles,
The Palinode
Mayor of The Sea

A Campaign Update from Your (Soon to be) Mayor of the Sea

Well hello everyone. This is quite the campaign so far. Initial response to my mayoral run has been extremely positive. Residents of the sea appreciate knowing that their voices will be heard come election day. Recently I delivered a rousing speech to a giant school of jellyfish, and while I’m not sure that they understood a word of my campaign platform and its plan for colony organism opportunities, at least they didn’t do anything weird or slimy. I’m tucking that one away in my locker of little triumphs.

Along with the many pleasant surprises, there have been challenges and definite teaching moments. First off, the sea is a lot saltier and rustier than I expected. Who knew that my fleet of campaign cars would corrode so quickly after failing to start underwater in the first place? Live and learn, I guess. It really is “a whole new world” down there.

To all you fish, polyps, aquatic mammals and shorebird allies who have volunteered your time and energy to my campaign, I say thank you. Your efforts are the best example of what the sea can be when we all get together and start swimming along the same current.

Don’t forget, Creatures of the Sea: you’re not just seafood, or suicidal whales, or gross things attached to a rock. You’re mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, offspring buds and small bits of particulate matter that I’m guessing are alive. And as long as you’re alive and not sea-dust or something, I will fight for your interests and make sure that we all have a place at that table we call the future.

I also appreciate the many barnacles that have been flooding into my office over the past weeks. I’m not sure if they’re constituents or some kind of sea-currency, so if someone could clear that up for me I’d very grateful.

I’m not joking. Those barnacles are making it impossible to get anything done. They even got inside the mimeograph machine somehow. Could someone clarify this barnacle situation ASAP?

Yours in Reef Justice,

The Palinode

My Election Platform

squid head 01

Ladies and gentlemen, parishioners, reeves, burghers and Freiherrs, good evening. My name is Aidan Morgan and I want your backing in my campaign to be mayor of the sea. You heard me, THE ENTIRE SEA.

People, I don’t need to tell you that the current state of the sea is a disgrace. The fish are slimy. The sea snakes are venomous. The divers go anywhere they please, flaunting their tanks and goggles and crazy sea shoes. 

As Mayor of the whole entire sea, I would crack down on pufferfish, sea cucumbers and the wildly unregulated increases in pressure at the lower depths. I would also eliminate the capital gains tax. Why should society punish achievement? It must be even harder to succeed in the lightless submarine depths, where frigid temperatures and perpetual darkness challenge even the hardiest of entrepreneurs.

And then there’s underwater crime. Do you think fish should get eaten in the middle of spawning or sleeping or - wait, do fish sleep? I’ve never seen them with their eyes closed. Oh my god, do they even have eyelids?

I am so grossed out right now.

But I will not allow the possible lidlesness of my constituents to deter me from my mission. It is time that the sea embraced a program of law and order, moral responsibility, and unlimited economic growth through sales of sea water and pufferfish skins to landlocked nations.

Thank you and Poseidon bless.