comics

so where's the big goddamn alien squid thing?

Good Lord. Someone has made a fan mashup of The Watchmen trailer, using Superfriends footage, to produce a trailer for 'The Watchfriends'.

What? What are you talking about Palinode? Huh what? Okay, stop talking all at once and I'll explain.

I probably don't need to go into detail about the Superfriends cartoon (Superman Wonder Woman Batman Robin Aquaman Wonder Twins all fighting baddies in lively Saturday morning cartoon format the end), but Alan Moore's Watchmen may warrant a word or two. Between 1986 and 1987 Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons released Watchmen for DC Comics, a gorgeous, elaborate, over-the-top, sometimes risible but always riveting meta-take on the superhero phenomenon. The story takes place in an alternate 1985, where Nixon is still president and superheroes have been outlawed since the late '70s. Some superheroes sit around and gain weight, some live lives of psychotic desperation, others end up doing dirty work for the government. Some still want to save the world. And someone is killing them off.

The story of the film adaptation of The Watchmen is long and painful, full of false starts and disappointing turns. Long story short: it's coming out early next year, some twenty-three years after it first appeared. If you've read the book, then the trailer will give you instant feeling of familiarity, as if you've suddenly seen an old friend walking through a crowd. If not, then you probably woln't have the foggiest idea of what's going on.

Here's a split-screen comparison of the Watchmen trailer and the Superfriends mashup. Some of the choices are pretty imaginative.

less-discussed superpowers

Blindness (Daredevil)

I’ve never quite figured out why Daredevil’s blindness is considered such an asset. I mean, isn’t it possible to do all those crazy acrobatic things he does without being blind? And really, instead of forming an audio ‘picture’ from sound waves, wouldn’t it be simpler just to look around? And maybe see how ridiculous that devil costume looks? But you've got to love his secret identity:

Super Tights-Wearing

Enough already. Just – stop wearing tights. Why do the citizens of Gotham need to see Batman’s package every time evil’s afoot? Why? He chose the bat costume because criminals were a superstitious and cowardly lot who would be frightened by a man dressed up as a bat. Personally I’m frightened by any man who will show up and pound the living crap out of me, whether he’s dressed like a bat or Jose Feliciano, but the tights thing adds an extra dimension to the scenario that I’d really rather not contemplate.

I don't think this guy has violence on his mind, if you follow me.

Important-Being

Batman’s great power is being the filthy rich child of filthy rich people. Superman is the sole survivor – if you don’t count all the other survivors – of a lost planet, plus he has his own fortress. Wonder Woman is some kinda princess? The Black Panther is a king or something? To be honest, I don’t run in those hoity-toity circles, where the superbeings of this earth gather for the all-night coke orgies with SuperParisHilton and Lady Lohan of the Skankonites. When it comes down to it, there’s a whole lotta superheroes out there that strike me as bored swells looking for kicks, like they’re living out a screwball comedy with costumes and punching. Go fetch William Powell from the dump and leave the rest of us alone.

Unlikely Breasts-Having

Unlike tights or well-defined pecs, the crazy tits of comicdom seem distributed equally well among the entire adult female population. Unless you’re an old lady or a society matron, or a monstrously mannishly deformed lesbian driven mad by the Feminazi virus, if you’re a nubile young woman in a superhero comic book, you’ve got bajungas to spare. If you’re a heroine, then welcome to the world of poured-on latex. It’s all so empowering. And if you’re evil, then your nipples probably shoot lightning or something. Witness a bored She-Hulk, slumped on a park bench like she hasn't got green skin and massive hooters.

Optimistic Punch Pose

Do you wonder why Superman flies through the air with one arm thrust out in front, the hand clenched in a fist? You probably thought there was some aerodynamic reason, like Supe’s arms controlled pitch and yaw. No. The outthrust fist is actually an element of Supermanic efficiency – basically, he’s saving himself the miniscule amount of time it would take to make a fist when he arrives at his destination, which will hopefully contain an enemy for punching. With this pose, he can fly right into the crime scene and have everyone pummeled before his feet even touch the ground. Not only is it efficient, the Optimistic Punch Pose is extremely proactive – it’s the kind of forward thinking that would make Superman an excellent candidate for a community committee on recycling. And kicking ass.

Here he is with the Eye-Poke Variant:

Crime doesn't pay, especially when it means getting your eye poked out at supersonic speeds by a flying alien in a circus strongman costume.

infinite crisis

Until I show you this image, nothing else can possibly happen in the palace. No one will oil the oubliette, polish the balustrades or refresh the moat. So in the spirit of moving on, here you go.

Ha ha. Stupid flower woman. She shall die for sure.

I'm glad this is just a panel from DC Comics Crisis on Infinite Earths, and not, say, a page ripped from a Nazi instruction manual for urban warfare. "How to Fight in Charming Little Market Areas of Western Europe - Know Your Hostages". Imagine how the war might have turned out if those lousy Ratzis went around targeting stupid flower women. Those soft-hearted Amerikaners would have thrown down their rifles and skedaddled, all pronto.