1. Consider buying crackers at the drug store. Not fancy wheat thins dusted with sea salt or infused with rosemary. Just crackers - salted and crunchy, with minute cracker tabs on the edges that give you satisfying visions of industrial cracker production as you slot them one by one into your mouth.
2. Visit drug store. That's a lot of money for crackers.
3. Steal several packets of crackers from the Subway when you're dumping cream into your coffee the next morning.
4. Stuff the packets into the inside left pocket of your sports coat.
5. Reconsider. Remove the crackers from your inside left pocket and transfer them to the inner right waist pocket.
6. Move them once more to your outer right pocket so they don't get crushed by your keys.
7. Write swift mental note to self: don't forget about pocket crackers.
8. At your desk, consider placing the crackers in the drawer. Don't for some reason. Make another mental note not to forget about crackers.
9. Completely forget about crackers.
10. Several days later, repeat steps 1-6. Discover old crackers in your pocket, now reduced to fine dust.
11. Back at your desk, inspect packets of forlorn cracker dust. Are they still edible?
12. Throw old cracker packets in the garbage.
13. Realize that you forgot the new cracker packets back in the cracker bin at the Subway.
14. Retrieve cracker dust packets from garbage.
15. Slowly pour dust into palm. Throw cracker dust into mouth.
16. Wipe palms. Slightly sticky cracker dust all over desk, lap, shirt, jacket, face, floor, life.
17. Reflect on your upcoming 44th birthday.