A bus tour through The Forsaken Zone

Good afternoon everyone! Welcome aboard your tour through the Forsaken Zone.

First I'd like to apologize for the slight delay in getting started. The bus disappeared briefly and returned as Something Else on its way through The Living Islets, so we had to get that sorted out. Alert myself or the driver if you hear whistling noises or spot vestigial gills anywhere on the vehicle and we'll take care of that for you.

If the bus becomes too hot or cold, just let us know and we'll adjust the temperature. Please use gestures only as the Zone may translate your speech into Words of Power.

We have something special for you today! The levels of radiation around the Original Discovery Base Camp have finally dropped to safe levels, so we'll be making a quick stop. Photography is still not permitted as there remains a 60 per cent chance that the souls of the original explorers will attempt to enter you through the photo. No one wants a lost soul trying to claim your body as its own! I hear it's excruciating.

Lunch will be waiting for us just inside the Zone at The Plateau of Light, which apparently has breathable atmosphere today. You'll be in for a treat when you step out onto that plasma field and your lungs don't explode.

After lunch we'll visit the Palace of Zorg the Unbeliever. Sometimes Zorg appears as a burning bronze sword piercing the vermilion canopy and dropping gobbets of fire on our heads. Other times he's a lamb with human eyes and teeth. Once he appeared as a clothesline adorned with the skins of the tour passengers. That Zorg! You never know what you're going to get. If you get the chance, ask him about the Apostate Wars and the Exile of the Seven. He'll regale you with colourful anecdotes.

On our way out of the Zone we'll be passing through The Fold, which has been known to disturb some passengers. You will almost certainly see your mother beside you, gazing fondly into your eyes and whispering words in an unknown language. If you find yourself recognizing any of the words, slip on the noise-cancelling headphones in the front seat pocket and close your eyes. Keep them closed, even if you feel Mother's soft but incredibly strong fingers trying to pull your eyelids up.

I've been advised that temporal storm activity has been reported on the edges of The Zone, so you may find yourself returning on a previous or future bus. Dimension Tours cannot be held liable for lost time or the consequences of returning to an era in which everyone you know and love has grown old and died, leaving you to navigate an unfamiliar world that no longer has a place for you. Nor can we be held liable if you are thrown ever backwards to this moment, listening repeatedly to this introduction as you push down the dawning realization that existence, language and experience has been emptied out and rendered meaningless.

Also, in the event that you return from the tour before it even happens, no refund will be issued.