5 things your personal trainer won't tell you

5. “Don’t believe the hype, buddy. Schopenhauer was a douchebag.”

4. “I’ve come from the future to get a select few in shape for the coming Cardiopocalypse.”

3. “You know, fifty years ago this neighbourhood was nothing but forest. Beech, alder, aspen - it was like a magical glade where, surely, fairies and forest spirits danced around sprouting gillyflowers, and they sipped breezes borne on the diaphanous wings of butterflies. But hey, they put up a T.G.I. Fridays on the corner last month! It’s a give and take situation.”

2. “I drink Axe body spray.”

1. “So if you do a bunch of crunches, squats, thrusts, lifts and lunges every day, you’ll have to come back and tell me what those words mean. I kind of stumbled into this job.”