Good day. If you have received this notice, then you have been identified in the commission of a misdemeanor or pedestrian traffic violation on our CCTV camera network. The image of the perpetrator has been matched to your identity with a very healthy 63% certainty. Considering that you were likely moving and furtive during the commission of your crime, this is pretty good.
Your crime has been identified as JAYWALKING on 08/23/2007 at THE INTERSECTION OF MCINTYRE AND 12TH STREET. If you feel that this identification has been made in error, please visit the Department of Remissions by the end of business hours today. The Department of Remissions is open from 8:33 - 9:40 am and 2:14 - 2:17 pm every third Thursday and second Tuesday. Appointment only. Please bring birth certificate, recent utility bill, a fresh urine sample. A change of clothes is also recommended.
In order to assist in the speedy dispensation of justice, you have been selected for home self-tasing. Your self-tasing device is being delivered to you and should arrive by mail within the next 24 hours. When you receive your Disciplonic Auto-Taser MK III in the mail, please release the yellow tab on the side of the unit. A voice prompt will guide you through the process to ensure that your discplinary tasing is carried out in as comfortable, safe and convenient a manner as possible.
Please make sure that your designated auto-tasing area is free of standing water. DO NOT TASE YOURSELF IN THE BATH OR SHOWER. For your comfort, refrain from eating for one hour before adminstering the device.
In the event that you do not operate your self-tasing unit within 48 hours of receipt of unit, the device will automatically tase any moving object within the range of its sensors. The unit will then self-destruct. You will be billed for the cost of a replacement unit.
Pulling the yellow tab on the unit indicates that you agree with the terms and conditions of use of the Disciplonic AutoTaster MK III. You agree to indemnify and hold harmless the State in the event of seizures, surface burns, cardiac arrest, memory loss hydrocephaly and gout. Use of the unit is equivalent to purchase. You will be billed separately for the cost of the unit and all processing fees related to the prosecution of your offense.
Thank you and don't forget to tip your mail carrier.