insulting the elements #12: roentgium to ununoctium

Roentgium (Rg) – We’re all grown-ups here, roentgium, so I’d like to pay you the favour of being frank in the expectation that you will repay me in similar coin one day. Which is to say, I don’t think you’ve thought through the concept of being extant. When was the last time you passed through this this universe? Sure, you visited back in 1994, but since then you’ve made yourself pretty scarce. Here’s the thing, roentgium: we’re doing just fine without you.

Ununbium (Uub) – So you’re the first element with three characters in your symbol. Well la-di-da. I suppose you think you’re special. Don’t get used to it.

Ununtrium (Uut) – Hey shithead, someone I know at RIKEN was raving about that time in July 2004 when you showed up for a millisecond. July 23. My birthday. As I recall, you said you were too high-energy to come to my party, and now I find out that you went to Japan. You know what, I’m glad you didn’t show. There were so many synthetics there already that you would have felt ridiculous. Ununseptium showed up, and he doesn’t even exist. Way to make me feel like a friend.

Ununquadium (Uuq) – Who the hell spread a rumor that you had noble gas properties, Mr. eka-lead? Until you put up a photo of yourself, I’m not taking anything for granted. I’ve been burned by Craigslist before and I won’t put up with another six months of heartache.

Ununpentium (Uup) – Look, stop bragging about your ‘island of stability’. Everyone knows that you decay within milliseconds. You come on like you could outlast the universe, but the truth is, even a piece of fried chicken from 7-Eleven has a longer shelf life than you. Save it for the geeks.

Ununhexium (Uuh) – Great. Hey everybody, it’s Stevie Nicks. Hey, Stevie Nicks is looking pretty rough. Wait, it’s ununhexium again. Sorry to disappoint you.

Ununseptium (Uus) – You know, ununseptium, you’re not real. And I like you that way. Stay theoretical, buddy. Once an atom or two of you pops out of some insane reaction, all the scientists will make a big noise for a while. Then the inevitable backlash will set in when they realize what a wanker you probably are.

Ununoctium (Uuo) – I don’t mind admitting that you scare the living hell out of me, ununoctium. If radon is what radium farts out, then I don’t want to meet the radioactive ass whence you issued. And that’s what truly scares me: an ass with 120 protons, farting its deadly message into our cosmos from beyond space and time.