Promethium (Pr) – You have to be the most pretentious one of the bunch. Thanks, but I have no need to see your collection of King Crimson on vinyl. Or your Criterion Collection Blu-Rays. Give me a break.
Samarium (Sm) – Samarium thinks it’s a big deal that it ignites in air at 150 degrees Celsius. No offense, samarium, but 150 degrees is not really that hot. Maybe you could find some other property to brag about. Like your low to moderate toxicity. Yawn.
Europium (Eu) – I’ve been ragging on the lanthanoids a bit, but let’s face it: with members like europium swishing around and leaving their Sobranie butts everywhere, can you blame me? Europium was discovered in 1890 by Paul Émile Lecoq de Boisbaudran, who was attempting to isolate the elemental substance that made up fops.
Gadolinium (Ga) – Another paramagnetic substance, gadolinium has no personality of its own, forever seeking magnetic substances to hang out with and act as if it has its own magnetic field. Once I heard gadolinium bragging about how it was totally going to see Fountains of Wayne with iron. Gooood luck with that.
Terbium (Tb) – No matter how the night starts, if you’re hanging out with terbium, you will always, always end up at Denny’s at 2:30 a.m. listening to terbium talk about all the guys it likes so much who just treat it like crap.
Dysprosium (Dy) – Dysprosium thinks it’s cool to have sex with my girlfriend when I go to sleep because I have to work in the morning. Somebody’s got to pay for all that pot we smoke, you know. Or did you think the magic pot fairy dropped off that quarter-ounce last Saturday? God you are so immature.
Holmium (Ho) – Ho. Heh heh.
Erbium (Er) – Erbium, you have many good qualities. But if you refer to the lens on your point-and-shoot as ‘glass’ one more time I’m going to kick you in the neck.
Thulium (Tm) – Just because you’re rare and expensive doesn’t mean that you have anything to contribute to the conversation. People have lowered their standards to accommodate you for as long as I can remember, and you’ve definitely lived down to my expectations. I don’t know why I even bother.
Ytterbium (Yb) – True story: when ytterbium first found out that it absorbed near-infrared but not visible light, it thought that meant it was invisible. What a jumbo dumbo.