insulting the elements #6: antimony to neodymium

Antimony (Sb) – I'm sorry, did you say 'anti-money'? I won't have any of those anti-money ideas around here. I recommend you take your anti-money agitation and go somewhere there isn't any money anyway. Like South Dakota.

Tellurium (Te) – Let me tell you a little story. This used to be a nice neighbourhood. The elementary school was the envy of the district. The cheese factory anchored the local economy in place and the community theatre kept everyone smiling all summer long. Then tellurium came to town. I don't know if there's a connection, but you can't pay tourists to take a shit in this town anymore. You're the rarest stable solid element on the planet, tellurium. Why'd you have to come here?

Iodine (I) – People like to tout your benefits like you're the second freaking coming, iodine. Lack of iodine leads to goiter, they say. Lack of iodine in children leads to blindness, they say. I say if you really cared about those things, you'd be there in abundance. Guess you've better things to do. Or maybe you like blind children *coughamberalertcough*.

Xenon (Xe) – Before anyone brings up how xenon is a noble gas, let me tell you what goes on when xenon ends up in a vacuum tube with an electrical discharge running through it. I'm not going to get into the details, but if you saw what I saw, you wouldn't be so quick to call xenon noble.

Caesium (Cs) – Back in the horrendous shithole of a school I used to go to in grade 8, a couple of kids in senior year stole a bar of caesium and threw it in a toilet in the boy's bathroom. Boom. Exploded toilet. Anyway, I hear that's why caesium was first isolated back in 1860, when the emerging Victorian era was judged too slow and too Victorian.*

Barium (Ba)
– I'd like to know at what point in history you and SO4 got together for your sick little barium sulfate game. I met you in the hospital once and I was not impressed with the introduction.

Lanthanum (La) – This puffed-up element has a whole gang named after it. They call themselves the lanthanoids and they like to drive around on Harleys like they're bad-ass, but every year, without fail, they get beaten to a pulp at the Sturges Rally. Maybe it's those matching Swatches that mess with their game.

Cerium (Ce) – Cerium likes to noise off on how it's a rare earth metal, but get this: it's totally the most abundant of all the rare earth metals! What a joke! Oh, I'm so scared of you and your gang of lanthanoids. Oh no, please don't form oxides in my presence.

Praseodymium (Pr) – I'd hurl some zingers at you, but with a name like that you don't need any. Praise-ee-oh-what? Ee-i-ee-i-oh.

Neodymium (Nd) – Dude, you think you're getting away with something here, but you're not. You make great magnets for microphones and amps, but hanging out with the band does not make you part of the band. Only recording engineers go all weak in the knees for you, and I know that's not the kind of action you're looking for. Go hang out with your lanthanoid pals.

*This does not sound like an insult, but caesium is ridiculously proud of its use in setting international time measurement standards. It's going to be royally pissed off when it finds out I didn't mention that.