Gallium (Ga) - Good 'morning' gallium. I guess two in the afternoon is the new crack of dawn around here. Hey, while you're slurping up my Cheerios, could you let me know where the remote is? WHERE DID YOU PUT THE FUCKING REMOTE, GALLIUM? WHERE IS THE REMOTE? This thing is stuck on a Hills marathon and I can't even change the channel. At least come help me figure out if Lauren Conrad has a mustache.
Germanium (Gr) - Guten Tag, Herr Germanium. When did you show up in the table of elements? 1946? I suppose it was only a matter of time before you decided to annex the physical universe on an atomic scale. Next thing you know, Einsteinium is going to become Debyium and then the whole cosmos will turn into one Master Substance. Probably strüdel.
Arsenic (As) - Of all the elements, arsenic, I looked up to you for your toxicity and your place in classic French literature. But then I found out that you had your own alchemical symbol, and my respect for you pretty much sublimed into contempt. I thought you were bad-ass, arsenic, not another pathetic New Ager flailing against mediocrity.
Selenium (Se) - Say, didn't I see you on an episode of CSI once as a poison in dandruff shampoo? ROFLMAO. Because I remember when you were yapping about how you were going to 'make it big' in Hollywood. No one had the heart to tell you this, but just because you're an essential trace element doesn't mean we want to see your fugly metallic grey ass on TV.
Bromine (Br) - Hey bromine. Mah man, how's it going? Insult you? What? I'm not going to insult you - I fucking love you, bromine. Bro o' mine, get it? Just because you're an extremely dangerous nonmetallic liquid doesn't mean we can't be friends. Right? Oh god. Please don't turn to vapour or pour yourself onto my skin.
Krypton (Kr) - I did a bit of research, krypton, and it turns out that you are not the remains of Kal-El's home planet. You're just a trace gas present in the air at about 1 ppm. You're nothing, krypton. I can't believe I stood in line so you could sign my copy of Superman #75.
Rubidium (Rb) - If you didn't ignite spontaneously on contact with the air and react so violently with water, maybe we could have hung out. But I guess you're too selfish. It's all about liberating your hydrogen atoms and not enough about our friendship. Well I'm tired of giving, rubidium. I have to think about myself for a while.
Strontium (Sr) - You're going to like this, strontium. You were named after the Scottish village Strontian, which comes from the Gaelic name Sròn an t-Sìtheinn. Which means 'fairy nose'. Or even better, 'Point of the Fairies'. So congratulations, Fairywangium. Welcome to your illustrious history.
Yttrium (Y) - Yttrium, I didn't lend you my entire set of Y The Last Man so it could sit in the back of you car for a month. I thought you'd be flattered and interested. I mean, that is the single greatest run of comics in FOREVER. Didn't you say you were a fan of graphic novels? I should have known something was up when you didn't come see Watchmen with me and Chad and Kyle.
Zirconium (Zr) - Trashy. Barstar. Bitch.