insulting the elements #3: scandium to zinc

Wow, people, I wish we had a better class of elements to show you. But sometimes you have to work with what you've got.

  • Scandium (Sc) – Not to be too harsh, but scandium is laughable. Scandium is commonly found in a mineral called thortveitite. WTF? Is that even a real mineral? Scandium, are you real? Or did I just drunkenly make you up in order to feel superior to something? And why am I covered in blood? Wait, that’s something different.
  • Titanium (T) – I’ll give you one thing, titanium: you’re nicely resistant to damp chlorine gas. You don’t lower yourself to suit chlorine’s abominable standards. But I prefer my metals with a bit more density, you know what I’m saying? Don’t you walk away from me. I own you.
  • Vanadium (V) – As a healthy adult male weighing about 150 lbs, I contain a whopping 0.002043 grams of vanadium. How disappointing. I wanted enough for a full-on vanadium skeleton. Vanadium, I showed up to the party with all my bones. You sent a crappy Hallmark card with some sad kittens on it. I can't believe Hallmark is doing lolcats now.
  • Chromium (Cr) – Don’t you have anything better to do than pose in photographs with classic cars and dead movie icons? You were cool in 1963. Now you’re as rebellious as Lawrence Welk, except I’d rather rub my body up against that grand MC of schmaltz than your shiny cool reflective surfaces. Hold on, I may not have thought this through.
  • Manganese (Mn) – Oh you talentless wannabe. You are no Magnesium. You know I paid 125 bucks to see Magnesium in concert last summer when I went to Vegas? I think you know what I’m going to say next. You've heard it from every fan who showed up that night with a souvenir T-shirt and a dream in their heart. I don't want my money back. It's not about the money.
  • Iron (Fe) – Hey, iron, can you see me waving from the twenty-first century? It must be nice back there in the Victorian era. Where you're still relevant. Yeah, stay wrought, Pony Boy. Stay wrought.
  • Cobalt (Co) – I have a word for you, cobalt, and you’re not going to like it. Are you ready? Marmite. That’s right, cobalt, I’ve discovered your dirty little secret. You’re the worm at the heart of the rose, except use ‘spreadable yeast extract’ for ‘rose’, and ‘sneaky metal’ for ‘worm’.
  • Nickel (Ni) – Oh this is just too delicious. You never thought you’d end up on a list like this, did you, nickel? But your time has come. You stay put while I find something to insult you with. You’ve got a weakness, nickel, and I’m going to find it.
  • Copper (Cu) – There’s not much to say about you, copper. You’re just kind of brown and bland. But I have to ask: why do you like being pipes so much? That’s kind of gross when you think about it.
  • Zinc (Z) – I have never seen such a blatant flouting of alphabetical order in all my life. Zinc, you should be right at the end of the line after yttrium, but you just had to jump the queue and get in at number thirty. What’s that? Zirconium? Why you smart-mouthed little son of a bitch.