Sodium (Na) – You know what, sodium? I’ve seen you around, and You’re Okay. But when you get together with chlorine, it’s like you to have to show up wherever I’m eating. And you guys have kind of screwed us with the whole seawater thing. Chlorine is bad company, that’s all I’m going to say. I’m telling you this for your own good.
Magnesium (Mg) – I’m not prejudiced, but magnesium, when I see you covered in a protective layer of oxides, I have to wonder what you’re hiding. That’s why I didn’t serve you that one time. I made that call and I stand by it.
Aluminum (Al) – Pardon me, but do you have any idea of what we go through to remove impurities from you, aluminum? If it weren’t for us, you’d be nothing. You’d be a heap of bauxite. Hey, I just found something in a pile of dogshit, aluminum. It’s all the appreciation you’ve shown us.
Silicon (Si) – Hey silicon. How ya doin? You like being in computer chips? How about the insides of those breasts? Feeling good about all that diatomaceous earth you’re in? You know what, just fuck off.
Phosphorus (P) – When I was young I admired you, phosphorus. You were bright and shiny and you burned wherever oxygen found you. You were my everything, phosphorus. And then you broke my heart.
Sulphur (S) – This is difficult to say, so I’m just come out with it: you smell, sulphur. You’re pretty, you’re yellow and you’re fit – hell, you’re pretty much the stone fox of the elements – but you really need a bath. Stop coming to my gym.
Chlorine (Cl) – The best that can be said about chlorine is that it isn’t too bad when it’s hanging out with sodium. That’s the best thing. This is a corrosive green gas we’re talking about here. Chlorine is the B-movie monster of the periodic table.
Argon (Ar) – Argon is a pathetic gas permanently stuck in the ‘80s. Argon is that friend who still has a Michael Jackson jacket and breaks it out to be “ironic”. Yeah, right. Argon will also insist that the original Battlestar Galactica was so much better than the remake.
Potassium (K) – Everyone knows that you’re upset with phosphorus for taking the letter P. But K? Nobody knew or cared how you felt until they saw you parading around with that inappropriate K. How do you think krypton feels? Not that you care, you self-absorbed hippie.
Calcium (Ca) – I take it you feel no shame for all those people who’ve fallen into cement vats or choked on a Tums. You’d point to all your accomplishments and pretend like that tipped the scales. Hey, look at your bones, you’d say. But I’m not looking at my bones, calcium. I’m looking at you.