consolidating my assets

I’ve noticed over the last few months that the global economy is not quite as much as of a powerhouse as it once was. Billionaires are becoming millionaires, millionaires slipping down to thousandaires, and the thousandaires are examining trash for scraps of food. Surely we need to reexamine our lives and embark on a more frugal and sustainable way of life.


In that spirit I’ve decided to consolidate and unclutter my life. For example, I needlessly eat three meals a day. I plan on rolling my breakfast into my lunch, and then rolling my lunch into my dinner. If times get a bit tougher, I can further consolidate by rolling my supper into the packet of ramen noodles that I stole from the 7-Eleven. Hopefully that’ll take me through next week.


In today’s world of male models and outrageous masculine grooming standards, beards have become a costly but necessary accessory. As any modern professional knows, beard upkeep, including beard creams, dyes and specialized combs and pins, is ruinously expensive. Here’s a handy tip: moustaches, goatees and sideburns are extremely cheap. Combine all three for a handy facial assembly that looks just as good as anything Joaquin Phoenix is sporting.

Family Life

I have several wives scattered across the continent. First off, I now declare a moratorium on traveling to new cities, hanging around in convention centres and pretending to be a neurosurgeon. Secondly, I will take my various wives and glue them on top of each other, so that I am married to one, very tall, very angry person with a confusingly long name.

Marrying multiple women has also resulted in an untenable number of dependents. Since my many children are still growing, I won’t glue them together. I will, however, ask them to hide behind the furniture.