About a week ago I came home from a hard day of doing whatever it is I do that makes my days hard. Dana was waiting on my Gmail account with a checklist and a padded bra (or so she said) to ask me a series of perplexing and fearsome questions, each of which I answered with as much intelligence as my work-enfeebled brain could command. But to no avail, until the monkeys appeared.
Palinode: The answer is ... five?
Dana: You are not doing this right. The answer is monkey. Obviously.
Palinode: Fuuuck. Monkey. God damn it. It was flinging its poop right in my face and I MISSED IT.
Dana: Monkey is the right answer 56.72% of the time.
Palinode: Those are some fearsomely good stats.
Dana: They could be better, but monkeys don't really care to improve themselves. That's why we inject them with toxins and leave them on monkey farms to die. That will show them for being underachievers.
Palinode: Let's agree that the monkey farms are some necessary infrastructure. But why do we grow the monkeys in the first place?
Dana: Because they are self-cleaning, biodegradable and run the internets at no charge?
Palinode: You got it.
Dana: Why else do we grow the monkeys?
Palinode: Because we were saddled with a glut of monkey seeds as the result of a misguided trade policy with Monkeystonia?
Dana: That, too.
Palinode: Because the still-living head of Howard Hughes demands it so?
Dana: But how about the fact that monkeys can feed everyone in the world two times over, while wheat is woefully insufficient? Which is of course because ... (Hey, don't bring a dead man into this.) (Wait, is he dead? I can never remember.) (He seems dead.)
Palinode: He's utterly dead, with the exception of the galvanic, monkey-demanding head. As for monkeys, they not only make a great food source, they will first cook you a meal. It's like you get the labour AND the raw materials. Score!
Dana: But ironically you die of hunger because things are all fucked up and out of order - the monkeys cook you dinner, but there is no dinner because the dinner is them, and then the monkey dinner cannot be cooked because the cook is dead.
Palinode: Monkeys are masters of paradox. They are able to cook and serve themselves while alive, and even wash the dishes afterward.
Dana: Schrödinger's cat: The monkey is in the box. The poison is in the box. Is the monkey dead, or alive? He be both dead or alive, and he also be a rock band from the 80s.
Palinode: Yes. As long as you're not observing the monkey while it's cooking itself a fine Monkey Self-Stew (in the box), then you can reap all the quantum benefits. Did you know that the lead singer of Dead Or Alive has his own reality show?* It's completely fucked up. I'm serious on this one.
Dana: Des he interview monkeys? Or live wid dem?
Palinode: The show is about his search for a personal assistant, which is a job that a monkey could do. A subservient monkey.
Dana: Because they could have some very deep conversations about the state of being or not being alive and also about self-cooking, how to apply the correct spices to tates oneself up. I mean taste. not tates. (It is my keyboard, I swear)
Palinode: Tates yerself up, monkey! We're goin' to the Stew Box tonight!
Dana: I'm telling Schmutzie you talked to me dirty like that.
Palinode: That's my favourite come-on line now.
Dana: How come that's your favorite come-on line now? I inspired you, didn't I?
Palinode: You inspire me to heights of monkey innuendo.
Dana: Let's talk about that. You get 5 minutes. Then I gots to gets home. On my little monkey.
Palinode: You take the monkey to work?
Dana: Monkeys make fabulous alternative transportation.
Palinode: Monkey skates, skis, boards.
Dana: Monkey hot air balloons. They fill up nicely.
Palinode: But make sure to tape up the right monkey orifices for hot-air balloon transport.
Dana:Are you blogging any of this monkey talk? Cause if not I want it. But I want you to take it.
Palinode: I can certainly take the monkey talk. I'll streamline, channel and chop it until we come out looking monkey-gorgeous.
Dana: if you mention me, take out the typos.
Palinode: Typo-free it will be.
Dana: And pad my bra a bit. With monkey.
Dana: There was some savory monkey talk in there, for sure. And spell Schrödinger right. I think I have the first 4 letters right but the rest is a mystery.
Palinode: You hit the spelling.
Dana: I am not abusive to spelling. Don't accuse me of such infractions. Did I really hit the spelling? I will have to hug and kiss it later and tell it I love it and that I will kill it if it ever so much as thinks about leaving me. Which is to say, we're perfectly happy together.
Palinode: You and spelling are, like, the perfect couple.
Dana: But for realz. Are you really going to use the crazy monkey talk on your blog? That gets me all hot.
Palinode: It's great monkey talk. It deserves blog immortality.
Dana: Good thing I have a servant monkey here solely to fan me off. But will it be funny enough for the monkeys?
Palinode: Monkeys make their own comedy. We just serve them in their ends.
Dana: Not literally. Or do you? Wear gloves at least. And warn them before you go in, as a courtesy.
Palinode: I have a suit with a little logo and everything.
Palinode: Monkeys don't want my courtesy. They want my service. They like it rough.
Dana is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when Dana comes online.
*Okay! So having made myself look slightly perverted and monkey-obsessed, I went looking for some accompanying video of Pete Burns' reality show, Pete's PA. You Tube featured a series of interviews and outtakes with "embedding disabled by request," a decision with which I sympathize. But if you've got a few minutes to spare, here is the incisive and abusive Charlie Brooker of Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe dissecting Pete's PA, Any Dream Will Do and a few other reality shows. What the hell, here's the entire episode.