the truth about barristers

When evening strikes, as it does so relentlessly around here, people take cover in their bedrooms, where, out of mortal fear, they will themselves unconscious or thrash around in copulation. Not Palinode or Schmutzie, though. They talk.

Schmutzie: What's the difference between a barrister and a solicitor?

Palinode: Oh. That is such an easy question.

Schmutzie: Is it.

Palinode: Completely. To start with, a female barrister is called a barista.

Schmutzie: I didn't know that.

Palinode: You're lucky you asked me first and not some self-styled 'expert'. Would you like to know how it is that the men practice law while the women serve the coffee?

Schmutzie: I'm very curious.

Palinode: It's attributable to a set of ancient practices and habits known as sexism.

Schmutzie: Sexism, you say?

Palinode: It is also true that barristers learn the law in Braille.

Schmutzie: Um, no.

Palinode: Braille actually originated with the Royal Society of Barristers.

Schmutzie: Not at all.

Palinode: Barristers were called in to court during blackouts. Even in pitch darkness they could still carry on a case. That was how law conquered nature.

Schmutzie: This is worse than the time you tried to tell me that mass debeaking killed all the puffins.

Palinode: Hence the barrister's motto, In Darkness We Tort.

Schmutzie: I'm turning off the light.

Palinode: That's the only way to barrist.