customer complaint

Do you have branded carabiners? I drove a long way to get here. I said carabiners. Give me five branded carabiners or I will sue. I'm a decent man but I have limits. I drove all the way from Des Moines to get here. I want a half dozen branded carabiners for promotional purposes only with mini compass and LED light. My kids need to clip their keys to their belts. My wife left us and now my kids are latchkey kids, they come home and no one's there, not even the fucking television. My wife took the television and now there's no entertainment value in my house. In my house on the edge of Des Moines. It has a two-car garage with only one car in it. Goddamn it's sad, one car, the Escalade gone and the television in the backseat. My kids need something and I took our single car and drove five hours for your outdoor safari experience. The A/C was on the blink. We spelunked. We ate your shitty cotton candy and now merchandise is nigh. Give us our branded carabiners. It's in the constitution. I am a decent man but. I have a gun. Are the lanyards included?