capsule reviews

Highlander – “There can be only one!” Only one what? Every time I think they’re going to reveal what it is that has to be so singular, someone’s head gets cut off. Lame. That movie needed a quickening.

I Know What You Did Last Summer – Last summer I refused to wear shorts. My pale hairy legs are pretty scary, but two chicken sticks a horror movie do not make. Neither does this movie.

Transformers live-action movie – Optimus Prime comes to Earth and spends 120 minutes trying to hump an Escalade.

Britney Spear’s “Midnight Fantasy” Fragrance – smells like pre-teen spirit. A combination of cotton candy and vodka in a Slurpee cup. Much like Spears used to be, “Midnight Fantasy” is targeted at the pedophile market.

Beck - The Information – The other day I needed to know which types of plastic were best suited for drinks containers and which contained potential carcinogens. So I went out and bought the new Beck album in the hope that it would provide some information. Results were disappointing. Now I have cancer. Thanks a lot Beck. They should have killed you and left Kurt Cobain alone.

Texas hold ‘em – Last Tuesday I bought in to a Texas hold ‘em game. We went for hours. It was a white knuckle match, just masters of poker staring each other down for chips, X-ray minds turning cards transparent, crazy bluffs backed by brilliant braggadocio. Wait, I was thinking of something else. I ate ketchup chips and lost.