at least five of two things

I know. I know whose blog wears the pants in this family. I know which of the two of us writes the more popular weblog, which commands a greater blip of the blogosphere. But instead of strategizing to grab more traffic or bitching about it, I've decided to make use of it. Most of you, then, have already read Schutzie's latest entry, a measured reply to a Christian samizdat that came in our mailbox. As angry, funny and cogent as Schmutzie's reaction may be, she neglected to comment on the reverse side of the tract.

It's a binary Christian choose-your-own-adventure! Choose from one of 2 exciting endings. Either that, or its binary logic tree is intended to convert the computerized postal scanners. Attention Equus 3110 CanOBD2 Code Reader! Jesus=1! Satan=0! Spread the logic!

Scanners aside, I doubt that the publishers of this tract are about to save anyone from anything. For example, it would have benefitted them immensely to let people know that the critical content of the paper lay on the reverse side. I will read this or lay it aside? Okay, already reading it. If I read it, I'll believe it or say it is false? Well, I'm not finished reading it yet, so I'll reserve judgement... what? If I believe this, I'll accept Christ and go to Heaven? Awesome! What am I being asked to believe? Is it something reasonable, like the existence of giraffes* or the metric system? This is going to rock! It's gonna totally... oh. The alternative is hell. And it hasn't even told me what I'm supposed to be believing or rejecting, beyond the propositions it offers about the benefits of belief. Talk about begging the question.

Actually, it's really wishy-washy about the infernal fires. It doesn't say you're headed for hell. It just says that you "may reject the only opportunity of being saved". Laying aside the strange flavour of permissiveness in may, this line really has the spongy feeling of the soft sell with the hard little core. It's curious and inviting until you squeeze it and feel the hidden something. Hold it up to the light you can just make out the dark smudge at the centre.

*Accordng to this website, giraffes do not exist (scroll down to the commandments).

Addendum: I googled like a champion, but I could not find the phrase "Ben Mulroney does not exist". It really should. Because whenever I see Ben Mulroney, the Canadian analogue of Ryan Seacrest, I have a sense that the world is a scrim of irreality through which we dimly see a rightly ordered reality, one in which the Ben Mulroneys of the world are completely ignored. Same goes for Seacrest. These people are the human equivalent of cheap air fresheners.