star wars redux


Luke and the two droids follow Ben into the smoke-filled cantina. The murky, moldy den is filled with a startling array of weird and exotic alien creatures and monsters at the long metallic bar. A huge, rough-looking host stops Luke and Ben and the droids.

HOST: Welcome to the Mos Eisely Cantina. Two for dinner?

BEN: Two.

LUKE: And we've got these two droids with us.

HOST: Yeaaah. Yeah. You know, they look like really great droids? But we can't really have them in the dining area? We've got a Droid Funtime Room here. Just stick these numbered tags on your droids and you can pick them up once you're all done.

Droids are led away by busboy.

R2-D2: Bleep bloop-bloop squaawk.

BUSBOY: Sure, whatever.

HOST: Okay, I'll set you up with some menus and drinks and then I'll be by to take your order.

The host ushers Luke and Ben to a table. They sit.

LUKE: What are we doing in this place, Ben? I thought we were looking for a starship.

BEN: There'll be a pilot here, don't worry.

WAITER: Comes up to table. Hey, everybody having a good time here at Mos Eisely Cantina?

BEN: Yes, thanks.

WAITER: Aaaalright then! Claps hands. Can I get you folks something to drink?

BEN: I'll have a Strawberry Surprise Shake.

LUKE: Set me up with Vanilla Blast Cola.

WAITER: Hey, you want to Eisely Size those drinks? Only twenty cents more for nearly twice the size, and still with the non-stop refills if you order a meal to go with your beverage!

LUKE: Sure, sounds good.


BEN: Thanks, no. Counting my calories.

WAITER: Hey, buddy, I hear you. Yes I do.

Silence. Ben studies menu.

WAITER: Okay, be right back with a Vanilla Blast and a Strawberry Surprise!

Waiter leaves.

LUKE: Holy crap.

BEN: I know. How thick do you have to ladle it on there, buddy?

LUKE: It's like, we're already sitting down -

BEN: Yeah, deal's closed, no need to keep selling us on it. Flips through glossy menu pages. Hey, do you want to split an appetizer? You should really try the calamari.

LUKE: I don't know. I'm not a big seafood guy.

BEN: It's just that I won't be able to eat an entire appetizer to myself.

LUKE: How about the crab and artichoke dip?

BEN: Yeah, we could do that. I guess.

LUKE: So we'll go with that?

BEN: I suppose.

LUKE: It comes with oven-warmed slices of pita.

BEN: It's just that I had that last time I was here.

LUKE: Hmmm... maybe we could skip the appetizer.

BEN: No, no. You feel like the dip, we'll have the dip. I'm treating you, remember?

Waiter reappears with a drinks tray.

WAITER: Okay, folks, one Strawberry Surprise for the distinguished gentleman... and one Vanilla Blast Cola for the handsome young man.

BEN: Good job describing us. One compliment for the overeager waiter.

WAITER: Ah-ha-ha. Yeah. So, have we had a chance to look over the menu and come to a decision?

BEN: We'll have the calamari to start -

LUKE: I thought we were having the dip.

BEN: Indeed. I thought about that? And I realized that I just couldn't have the dip twice in a row. But you go right ahead and order it, that's fine with me.

LUKE: Okay, I'll have the crab and artichoke dip to start. And I'll have the Womprat Burger on a Ciabatta loaf to follow, with a green salad, ranch dressing on the side.

BEN: Wow, Womprat Burger.

WAITER: And what will you be having for a main course?

BEN: I was going to order the thin-crust pesto pizza, but I think I'll stick with the calamari.

WAITER: You know, we have a lunch-size pizza, it's not much smaller but it's half the price -

BEN: Just bring me the calamari, thanks.

The waiter nods And heads off to the kitchen.

LUKE: You don't want the pizza?

BEN: Well, I was going to order it, but you know, I'm a retired Jedi, money's a little tight -

LUKE: Oh geez, Ben! I'll throw in for the extra appetizer!

BEN: What? What are you talking about? I'm treating you. It means a lot to me to take you out and spend some time hanging out with you.

LUKE: It means a lot to me too.

Silence. Luke sips at his cola, Ben drums his fingers on the table and stares at the salt shaker.

LUKE: Are you alright Ben?

BEN: Oh yeah, I'm great! Pause. It's just that - ah, never mind.

LUKE: Okay. I just don't like to see you in a bad mood.

BEN: Bad mood? I don't think I'm in any kind of mood.

LUKE: Really?

BEN: It seems to me that you're the one in a mood. What with that production over the crab dip.

LUKE: What?

BEN: I can't help feeling that you took advantage here.

LUKE: Advantage?

BEN: When people take you out to eat, it's considered good manners not to order every item on the goddamn menu.

LUKE: I'm sorry Ben. I thought you wanted - you know -

BEN: Yeah, well maybe you should ask next time.

LUKE: Look, let's just finish up here and go hire a starship.

BEN: That would be nice. If I have enough cash left over after your Womprat burger, maybe we can strap a rocket to a bathtub and hope for a strong breeze.

LUKE: Ah shut up, you pretentious old cave-dwelling queen.