things we found in our new place

1. a shrimp beneath the stove. We poked at it, asked a few questions (how's the plumbing here? When does the building manager turn the rads on?) but it refused to answer. It had gathered its dust bunnies and was content to rest.

2. a pepper inside the freezer, and I don't mean open-up-the-freezer-door-and-there's-your-pepper, I mean pry-off-the-bottom-panel-and-there's-your-stanky-old-pepper-just-settin'-a-spell.

3. black feathers under the stove, fridge, inside the door of the fridge. I'm an understanding person, but black feathers? What were these people cooking up? Crow cake? Raven ragout? Blackbird blancmange?

4. Black mold in the freezer, which we killed with every single thing we had in our house that was remotely toxic, chemical, sharp, blunted, horsepowered, whatever.

5. an incomprehensible piece of high-technology lightweight plastic mesh clearly intended to cover something, but no object looks appropriate, so it must be a cover for some other equally high-tech piece of plastic. Whatever it is, it's meant to help outdoorsy types stay alive on the North Pole and at the Earth's core.

6. Speaking of the Earth's core, the stuff under the stove was clearly part of the mantle, that miles-deep impenetrable crust made of rock, metals and utter filth.

7. We also found the hollow laughter of the 'cleaners' who had apparently come by a few weeks ago.

8. Plus we locked ourselves out and had to use boltcutters to sleep in our appointed bed.