industrious wednesday answer to idle tuesday question

Yesterday (or yeasterdye, as they say in New Zealandese) I asked my readers what they would buy from me, if I were to offer it for sale on my site.

Blackbird said that she would buy all the tea in China from me, so I checked my kitchen cupboards. I have 48 individual sachets of Red Rose Tea in their original gauze mesh, plus I have 5 grams of Japanese Sencha green tea, and a box of Camel Brand pellet-like gunpowder green tea, which I imagine could be loaded into a shotgun for all those home-invasion moments. These items are too precious to me for retailing.

My vast tea estates have been seized by regional armed governments and now they produce opium, or so I hear. This is a better drug than tea. Point of trivia: Schmutzie once took a green tea bath and emerged no greener than before. So all those stories you hear are bull.

Guanilo offered to purchase: "that bitchin' diving apparatus" on the right-hand side of the screen (click to reach my profile); potato chips; or a bagel. I love options. I understand that a diversified economy is a strong economy, and I'm a tower of fiduciary strength (ein Festeberg ist unser Palinode).

That bitching diving gear that you want so badly, Guanilo, is not meant for submarine ventures. Slide that one on and you'll never survive a tour of the reefs. It's a Draeger apparatus, a breathing device worn by intrepid Draegermen as they stalk the dark disastrous corridors of mine accidents for trapped miners. Draegermen are known for their courage, as exemplified by the 1937 film Draegerman Courage. Before I enter into a contract to sell you this device, Guanilo, I must know: are you prepared for the awesome responbility that comes with this device? Because you'll be a subterranean superhero.

Potato chips I can work with. There's even a chance for profit on both ends: if you keep the empty bag, you can sell it to Saviabella, who's in the market for a robot vagina. Ms. Bella: please note that all robot vaginas are sold "as-is" and do not come with a warranty of any kind. Do not attempt to reverse engineer, disassemble or make copies of the robot vagina without expression transmitted permission of the robot. In the event of accident, injury or death in the course of use of said vagina, dealer shall be indemnified and held harmless and not forced to watch Double Jeopardy starring Ashley Judd and Tommy Lee Jones, nor any of its DVD extras, featurettes, commentaries or interactive menus, nor any celebrity interviews, 'making-of' minidocs, nor any photo galleries or trailers, teasers, wallpapers or screensavers.

As for a bagel, I don't think I can help you there. My bagels have certain ideas about being reduced to their exchange value.

Anonymous, the rules for Underwater Hun are not for sale. They are free to anyone who sends me an SASE, unless they have long red hair, in which case they must shave their beard.