rad lobster

Oh, I've been to Red Lobsters. I've eaten in Red Lobsters atop high mountains and watched the TCBYs migrate through the misty valleys below. I've taken bathysphere trips down to the Marinara Mariana Trench and tried their MSG 'n' Cheddar biscuits at pressures unfathomable to the human mind (this is why I'm so small, by the way - I got crushed). On those endless asphalt plains at the edges of cities across the continent I've been cordially seated in those faux-Maritime booths. I've had overdone tilapia in Irving, Texas. I've eaten overdescribed scallops in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. Once I went five minutes into the future and got served slightly before everyone else at the table. In Brampton I penetrated the armoured flanks of a Jack Astor's and a TGI Friday's to get to that Red Lobster in distress. A Red Lobster high up in a tower let down a meaty Alaskan king crab leg for me to climb up. Years ago I found a crystal coffin with a Red Lobster sleeping sweetly within, awaiting my kiss to wake up and start serving me my goddamn scampi. When I wake to darkness and the alarm clock registers three AM, the peeping of Red Lobsters at the window seizes me with a mingled terror and nostalgia.

Please discuss with the following points in mind:

What is the primary conflict in this piece?

a) Man vs. environment

b) Man vs. meaty Alaskan King Crab legs

c) Man vs. succulent Snow Crab Leg Buffet, all day Wednesdays

d) Man vs. Jimmy Buffet

e) Man vs. participating locations only

What's a tortoise?

a) You ever seen a turtle, Leon?

b) Same thing.

What parts of this piece can plausibly be deemed truthful?

a) Some bits

b) None bits

c) Every last goddamn syllable, right down to the butter in the bowl.