food against itself

Here's what I would do if I had access to a whole lot of capital and a few neckties (by court order I can't wear neckties until 2007). I would open up a chain of restaurants with the following exciting features:

  1. the little bowl of individually-wrapped toothpicks at the counter would be individually wrapped.

  2. There would be a little sign next to the toothpick bowl advising customers not to pick out the poisoned toothpick.

  3. One of the toothpicks would be coloured bright red. This would not be the poisoned one.

  4. Every dish would come with a leaflet listing the ingredients and charting the course of the dish from field and farm to plate. Any animals consumed would be given names.

  5. Squeeze bottles of ketchup and mustard designed specially to produce those unbearable farting noises.

  6. Bolivian-Inuit fusion cuisine at prices the whole family can enjoy.

  7. Rump steaks and roasts to be renamed as rudely as possible.

  8. Itinerant server staff fired at the end of each shift.

  9. Washrooms designed to appeal to the Christian right.

  10. All items on the menu expressed as a ratio of calories of fuel consumed to grow and prepare food to calories available to customer.

  11. Each restaurant individually wrapped to prevent nasty oxidation.