office survey

Dear Employee:

In order to help ensure the continuing profitability of our business, it is important that you fill out this anonymous and confidential survey and return it to the CFO's office by next Friday.

  1. Even though this is an anonymous survey, it is crucial to the company's success to ensure full participation. Therefore please print your name as it appears on your paystub and initial every page in the lower-right hand corner to indicate that you have given this questionnare the consideration and respect it deserves.

  2. State your position in the company. Please indicate the distance between your terminal and the nearest CAP (Common Area Photocopier).

  3. Please describe your workspace, indicating whether your screensaver is racially or sexually offensive or of kittens or otherwise disrespectful.

  4. Please express the number of Post-It Notes used in a day (PINDU) versus the number of Post-It Notes you anticipate using at the start of said day (APINDU) as a ratio. The correct answer will be featured in our quarterly report and set apart from the body text with tasteful borders, with head shot of employee optional.

  5. How often do you create report binders and actually use the reinforced index dividers (clear or multicoloured) that we order for you, at no small expense we would like to say, because we keep on ordering them and never see them in any of the report binders?

  6. Does Accounts Receivable use nasty names to refer to your job position in this company?

  7. Because what Accounts Receivable does is very important to the welfare of the company, and it is not polite to call them Bean Counters, they don't count beans and they never did, except in history. How would you like to be called Lazy Buns when you were in Project Development, or Grubby when you are the long-haired guy with the keys to the supply room, and has ignored policy with regard to Proper Appearance in the Workplace but since we are Permissive we don't complain?

  8. Recently there have been rumours that we are moving Head Office and Operations to a more business-friendly environment, eg. Alberta, and that anyone who doesn't want to move with the company can move to another company, and I would like to know who's spreading that definitely untrue story, as it is so false.

  9. But even though that story is completely untrue, we can't rule out the possibility that one day we may have to move to a more business-friendly environment, that takes the needs of businesses into account as well as regular people, and we would like to know if you would be willing to relocate with the company if Head Office went to Calgary, in six months or so. January for sure.

We understand that employee time is valuable, so please fill this survey out during your break or lunch hour (don't forget to recycle aluminum cans and not leave them on the table or countertop, and please leave the Company tea kettle in its place. It is not personal property!). Confirmation of survey completion will be included with your next paystub. Thanks.