what I've wasted

Here is a list of food that I ordered in restaurants in the United States but did or could not consume, owing to the offensively huge heaps of food they serve you down there:

one Jennie-O Turkey Store turkey sandwich

one deliriously oversized packet of Hellman's Light Mayonnaise

one Russell Stover Almond Delight

one half Applebee's Southwest Chipotle Grilled Chicken Salad

one half IHOP Garden Omelette

one and one half IHOP Buttermilk Pancakes with Butter Pecan Syrup

three apple cores from starch-heavy continental breakfasts

five pieces tofu at P.F. Chang's

specially prepared hot sauce mixed at table by perky waitress who couldn't believe that we'd never been to P.F. Chang's before

one half Dennie's Veggie Omelette

another one half Dennie's Veggie Omelette

various overrepresented Dennie's food items

toast, toast, toast

one quarter bowl Benno's jambalaya*

two thirds serving of red beans and rice at same

one third serving black-eyed peas, Cotton Patch restaurant

three IHOP Nut 'n' Grain Whole Harvest or Whatever Pancakes

a pile of mushy IHOP hash browns

limp rice pilaf

one half Wasabi Seared Tuna at the Islamorada Fish Company

dregs of fruity drinks

one or two fried plantains

one half Papa Rudy sandwich

one entire Pomodoro Capellini at an Olive Garden, or Faux-Italian Trougheteria

a theoretically infinite amount of soup, because the waitress at the Olive Garnen/Slopitorium kept offering me refills

a couple of Texas Fries at Riscky's Barbeque at the Fort Worth Stockyards

half and quarter cups of coffee left scattered across the countertops and tables of the southern U.S.

This is a partial list. I honestly can't tell you all that I couldn't eat or finish off in my two and a half weeks there, or all the servers who looked perplexed or concerned or expressed their concern when they spied unfinished food on my plate. I'm not five Teamsters, people. I'm just one guy trying to make his way in the world over heaps of processed and prepared food. I swear, Olive Gardens must have gigantic underground warehouses that pump soup and pasta up to the surface in fearsome pipes.

*I would crawl over razorblades for that remaining quarter cup of jambalays. My God, it was good. Benno's restaurant, corner of 13th and Seawall Boulevard, Galveston, Texas.