Note: this is not an instructional guide on how to kidnap/sleep with/possess the body of any of the members of British pop group Happy Mondays. There’s plenty of advice out there on how to sleep with people (although maybe not specifically Happy Mondays members and sessional musicians), and probably even handy guides on abduction and possession. Although why would you do both? Anyway, if you find yourself attracted to any member of British pop group Happy Mondays and wish to consummate that attraction, the best thing to do is take them out for a meal, compliment them sincerely on 2007’s Unkle Dysfunctional, and ask nicely for what you want. Will you need charts or graphs? Probably. The modern world is very complicated and it’s important to demonstrate ROI on these kinds of activities. Okay, good luck! On with the subject at hand, which has nothing to do with Happy Mondays.
Second note: this will not help you with your crappy Monday.
Good morning. Is it Monday already? Have you, like me, waited all weekend - nay, the entire week - for Monday, mashing your eyelids shut at each dark dusktime with the hope that time itself would loose from its guy-wire and swing madly into the start of next week? Is this the Monday you were waiting for, the one that would give you a respite from rest, bring you a brimming inbox and a spume of unexpected tasks? Look how the weekend has complicated all that you believed to be certain, turning innocent messages into exciting crises. Observe how every plan laid in place last week has spontaneously scattered and caught fire and gained sentience and how bright burning self-aware plans are hunting you for sport. Remember that suggestion you jokingly made to Nat from the Digital Solutions team about creating an intranet from scratch? Well, the CEO heard about it and now it’s a project and you’re team leader, so it’s time to pick up that Six Sigma book you’ve been ignoring for two years now. Meanwhile, the person who randomly goes through the fridge in the break room and throws out your lunch has thrown out your lunch, even though it’s only 9:15. But don’t worry, you won’t discover your missing food until 1:30, when you’re done sorting out that newsletter that was supposed to go out on Friday but chose instead to pull the new CMS over its head and nap. Best to call in sick and read articles about Tik Tok on your phone.
Update: Happy Mondays are so much worse than I remember.