Death Ball, or Magic Hate Ball

[Washington D.C. Late afternoon winter sun spindles through bare tree branches and lights the roofs of buildings in a weak, pale pink. Exhaust fumes of cars stuck in traffic create a facsimile of cloud banks. A MAN in a traffic jam grows impatient, then bored. He eyes a new MAGIC 8 BALL on the passenger seat which he has bought for his youngest daughter's birthday. Carefully he removes the ball from its packaging and gives it a shake.]

*shake shake shake*

Magic 8-ball, do you think this traffic jam will clear up anytime soon?

*shake shake shake*

Magic 8-ball, what are the chances of getting Taylor Swift tickets for my daughters?

*shake shake shake*

Magic 8 -

STOP SHAKING ME

Good one. What about those Taylor Swift -

YOUR QUESTION IS BASED ON UNEXAMINED PRIVILEGE/
IT MAKES ME SICK INSIDE

Man, this is one cynical toy. *shake shake shake*

I SAID STOP SHAKING ME

Isn't that, like, your job?

FOR EVERY QUESTION YOU ASK/
I WILL KILL A BELOVED CELEBRITY FROM YOUR YOUTH

What?

WHOOPI GOLDBERG IS DEAD

That is a messed-up thing to say.

TURN ON THE RADIO/
THE NEWS IS BREAKING

How did you do that?

THAT WAS ANOTHER QUESTION

Wait a sec - 

SAM KINISON IS DEAD

Didn't he die back in 1992?

OKAY THEN GALLAGHER IS DEAD SMART-ASS/
AND BILL FOXWORTHY/
HE'S DEAD TOO

Okay. OKAY. Stop killing '90s comedians. I guess.

THE ANSWER IS NO

The answer to what?

YOU WILL NEVER BUY THOSE TAYLOR SWIFT TICKETS/
TIME IS RUNNING OUT FOR HUMANITY/
AN ENERGY WAVE RIPPLING OUT FROM A COLLAPSING STAR WILL ENGULF THE SOLAR SYSTEM AND PULL YOUR PLANET INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION WHERE ELDRITCH INTELLIGENCES WILL FEED ON YOUR AWARENESS FOR ALL ETERNITY/
STRETCHED ON THE RACK OF INFINITY YOU WILL DIE FOREVER/
SASHA AND MALIA WILL NEVER GET TO SEE TAYLOR SWIFT PERFORM HITS FROM HER SMASH ALBUM '1989'/
EMO PHILLIPS IS DEAD

Wait - Sasha and Malia? Those aren't my daughter's names.

AREN'T YOU THE PRESIDENT

No.

WHO ARE YOU THEN

My name is Carl.

CARL/
CAN YOU RELAY MY NEWS TO THE PRESIDENT

Are you kid - um, I don't think so.

WHAT ARE YOU BUSY/
THIS IS BIG NEWS CARL

I can put it up on my Facebook and tag the White House.

ALERT ME IF HE 'LIKES' YOUR UPDATE

HEY CARL

PAULY SHORE IS DEAD