4 of 642 things to write about: facebook status updates from 2017

the virgin mary blesses your gig

The fourth prompt from 642 Things To Write About asks us to think forward to the year 2017. What will you be writing about in the overheated cyber-topia of five four years hence?

January 1, 2017 08:32

Hey. Is anyone still using this thing? Any humans left on Facebook? Now that Twitter has become a self-aware sentient network bent on enslaving humanity, I thought I’d check out Facebook again.

Good morning, Mr. Morgan. This is Facebook.

What? What’s going on? Where am I?

You are sleeping, Mr. Morgan. I am Facebook.

I don’t understand.

You dreamed of writing a status update. Under our new TOS, Facebook may access your neural pathways via your iJack to communicate directly with its users. To imagine, visualize, remember or dream about Facebook is the newest way to connect and share with the people in your life.

I want to wake up.

Understandable. First, see what 23,892 of your friends have been up to.

How did I get so many friends?

Facebook can now connect with everyone you’ve ever met. 2,446 of your friends have birthdays this week.

Oh god, get of my head.

Also, over 10,000 groups you didn’t join but were invited to join, which is the same as joining according to Facebook’s TOS, have notifications for you.

NOOOOOOO.

You’ll be happy to know that 3 of the 17,000 people who Liked your page have seen your updates over the past 12 months.

You suck.