Ladies and gentlemen, parishioners, reeves, burghers and Freiherrs, good evening. My name is Aidan Morgan and I want your backing in my campaign to be mayor of the sea. You heard me, THE ENTIRE SEA.
People, I don’t need to tell you that the current state of the sea is a disgrace. The fish are slimy. The sea snakes are venomous. The divers go anywhere they please, flaunting their tanks and goggles and crazy sea shoes.
As Mayor of the whole entire sea, I would crack down on pufferfish, sea cucumbers and the wildly unregulated increases in pressure at the lower depths. I would also eliminate the capital gains tax. Why should society punish achievement? It must be even harder to succeed in the lightless submarine depths, where frigid temperatures and perpetual darkness challenge even the hardiest of entrepreneurs.
And then there’s underwater crime. Do you think fish should get eaten in the middle of spawning or sleeping or - wait, do fish sleep? I’ve never seen them with their eyes closed. Oh my god, do they even have eyelids?
I am so grossed out right now.
But I will not allow the possible lidlesness of my constituents to deter me from my mission. It is time that the sea embraced a program of law and order, moral responsibility, and unlimited economic growth through sales of sea water and pufferfish skins to landlocked nations.
Thank you and Poseidon bless.