How The Raven Got Made

 

“A fictionalized account of the last days of Edgar Allan Poe’s life, in which the poet pursues a serial killer whose murders mirror those in the writer’s stories.” - from the imdb.com description of The Raven, starring John Cusack.

INTERIOR - DAY

A wretched, barely lit dwelling in a burning hot American desert. A combination of a garage, a bachelor pad and an improvised tin hut. Inside its dark recesses, junk lies jumbled everywhere. Plates of abandoned food and open cartons of Chinese take-out crowd every flat surface. Save for a small area with neatly piled stacks of DVDs and an immaculate flat-screen television, chaos reigns.

MCTEIGUE, a former film director, sits in the chair in front of the television. He thumbs the remote listlessly, occasionally swigging from a bottle of Jack Daniels.

The door opens. Light spills in and hits McTeigue’s grizzled face. He flinches and looks away.

A PRODUCER enters, dressed in a slim-fitting suit with a slightly oily sheen.

PRODUCER: You’re a hard man to find, Mr. McTeigue.

MCTEIGUE: Well, I like it that way.

Swigs from the bottle.

Shut the door if you’re staying.

The Producer closes the door gently.

PRODUCER: I have a proposition for you. A film.

MCTEIGUE: And I have a proposition for you. The door.

PRODUCER: Hear me out, Mr. McTeigue. If you don’t like what I have to say, I’ll walk out the door and it will be the last you see of me.

MCTEIGUE: What a tragedy that’ll be.

PRODUCER: [still gracious] But I think you’ll like what you hear.

MCTEIGUE: That’s what the Wachowskis told me once.

PRODUCER: We have a boring-ass procedural script that David Caruso wouldn’t even touch for an episode for an episode of CSI Miami.

McTeigue takes another swig.

MCTEIGUE: I’m listening.

PRODUCER: It’s about a nutcase who’s reproducing the crimes of Edgar Allen Poe. I mean, that’s a pile of decade-old diapers in a hatchback, right? But then I thought -

MCTEIGUE & PRODUCER: - what if the script was actually about EDGAR ALLEN POE HIMSELF ohmygod ohmygod OHMYGOD.

McTeigue hands the bottle to the Producer. He takes a belt of the liquid. Then they join hands and jump up and down and up and down and make the worst movie of all time the end.