I wrote a review of Wolf Parade's new album Expo 86 for an esteemed publication. The editor in chief liked the review but deemed my line about Bryan Adams too mean. Here it is:
Here's a depressing-ass fact for you: Bryan Adams was nominated as Artist of the Year in 1986 and 2009.* Someone should send manned vessels to his face and mine its craters for their deposits of magic fame-extending oils.
I think my editor felt that acne-pitted readers might object, and that his paper strives for an elevated discourse whose parabola projects it miles above ad hominem slights and body mockery. However, I feel that Bryan Adams should be attacked at all available altitudes. I met him once and it was more unpleasant than the time I went to some party in some basement suite and some guy named Ricky with a fade and a coke habit decided to strip down and wave a knife around.
*At the Juno Awards, Canada's version of the Grammys. Also, this statement plays a little fast and loose with the record, and exemplifies the sloppy approach that I try to take with everything in life (I regard it as a self-imposed hurdle on my race course to success). Adams was up for Male Vocalist of the Year in 1986, but the Artist of the Year category did not exist then. Also, he was not only nominated for the '86 award, he also won it. The more I explain it the worse I sound.