insulting the elements #11: mendelevium to darmstadtium
Wednesday, May 13, 2009 at 4:35PM Mendelevium (Mv) – Look, mendelevium, I know you’re busy rapidly decaying, but it’s time you lived up to your name. Dmitri Mendeleev made a massive contribution to chemistry, and you have yet to do a single worthwhile thing with your mayfly-like lifespan. Ah fuck, you’re gone already.
Nobelium (No) – "No"? This is the most pathetic grab at a cool nickname yet. I couldn’t come up with something more excruciatingly poncey if you put me in a ponce-o-tron and turned the dial up to Douchebag.
Lawrencium (Lr) – Your isotopes are grotesquely oversized. I know that some elements are larger than others, but I think you could stand to be bombarded with a little self-respect.
Rutherfordium (Rf) – You know what? I’m sick of everyone pretending that you’re not just hafnium with a beer gut and a greasy ponytail. You think you’re not hurting anybody, but you should see the look on hafnium’s face when you come stumbling into the room. Give it up already.
Dubnium (Db) – I hated that restaurant you opened with Kenny Rogers.
Seaborgium (Sg) – I don’t care that in your aqueous chemistry, you have been shown to resemble your lighter homologues molybdenum and tungsten, forming a stable +6 oxidation state. Molydbenum and tungsten could kick your ass once and come back for seconds.
Bohrium (Bh) – I’m sorry, bohrium. No matter how many times we get introduced, I keep confusing you with boron. Why is that, do you think? Have you considered picking up a personality somewhere?
Hassium (Hs) – We waited a long time for you to actually make an appearance in reality, hassium, and on behalf of reality, I don’t know why we bothered. You are one ugly element. I heard a rumor that you were deformed in some way, and you have yet to prove your detractors wrong.
Meitnerium (Mt) – Say, what do you get when you bombard bismuth-209 with accelerated iron-58 nuclei for a while? Give up yet? Because when the answer is meitnerium, why not give up? Why not just sit at home and watch pay-per-view porn while discarding draft after draft of your suicide note? Because a world with meitnerium in it isn’t worth getting overly involved with.
Darmstadtium (Ds) – I remember the days when nobody cared about you, darmstadtium. You were just a few heavy atoms named after a German suburb. Then your decay level scheme got “leaked” onto the internet, and wham! Instant stardom. That must have been the trauma that turned you into a vapid fame whore.
Reader Comments (1)
They should really make this series part of the school curriculum. It probably wouldn't solve deviant behaviour like drug use or underage drinking but it might grow a few more scientists. Er, chemists?
What's an ichtheologist...?