Mendelevium (Mv) – Look, mendelevium, I know you’re busy rapidly decaying, but it’s time you lived up to your name. Dmitri Mendeleev made a massive contribution to chemistry, and you have yet to do a single worthwhile thing with your mayfly-like lifespan. Ah fuck, you’re gone already.
Nobelium (No) – "No"? This is the most pathetic grab at a cool nickname yet. I couldn’t come up with something more excruciatingly poncey if you put me in a ponce-o-tron and turned the dial up to Douchebag.
Lawrencium (Lr) – Your isotopes are grotesquely oversized. I know that some elements are larger than others, but I think you could stand to be bombarded with a little self-respect.
Rutherfordium (Rf) – You know what? I’m sick of everyone pretending that you’re not just hafnium with a beer gut and a greasy ponytail. You think you’re not hurting anybody, but you should see the look on hafnium’s face when you come stumbling into the room. Give it up already.
Dubnium (Db) – I hated that restaurant you opened with Kenny Rogers.
Seaborgium (Sg) – I don’t care that in your aqueous chemistry, you have been shown to resemble your lighter homologues molybdenum and tungsten, forming a stable +6 oxidation state. Molydbenum and tungsten could kick your ass once and come back for seconds.
Bohrium (Bh) – I’m sorry, bohrium. No matter how many times we get introduced, I keep confusing you with boron. Why is that, do you think? Have you considered picking up a personality somewhere?
Hassium (Hs) – We waited a long time for you to actually make an appearance in reality, hassium, and on behalf of reality, I don’t know why we bothered. You are one ugly element. I heard a rumor that you were deformed in some way, and you have yet to prove your detractors wrong.
Meitnerium (Mt) – Say, what do you get when you bombard bismuth-209 with accelerated iron-58 nuclei for a while? Give up yet? Because when the answer is meitnerium, why not give up? Why not just sit at home and watch pay-per-view porn while discarding draft after draft of your suicide note? Because a world with meitnerium in it isn’t worth getting overly involved with.
Darmstadtium (Ds) – I remember the days when nobody cared about you, darmstadtium. You were just a few heavy atoms named after a German suburb. Then your decay level scheme got “leaked” onto the internet, and wham! Instant stardom. That must have been the trauma that turned you into a vapid fame whore.