Thallium (Tl) – Thallium, you’re like my first serious girlfriend in junior high: at first I thought we were made for each other, but the more I saw, the less there was to like. You’re toxic, you show up in crappy electronics, and as it turns out, you’re not allowed to visit the United States. Don’t get me wrong: I was attracted, even a little bit excited at first, but you’re more trouble than you’re worth. And I think you killed my dog.
Lead (Pb) – Oh man. You seriously think you’re cool, don’t you? Showing up in all those early Superman comics really went to your head, but I see right through you. I stopped for a drink at the Airport Sheraton and ran into a trivalent metal you went to school with. Is it true your name used to be plumbum? Because yeah. Plumbum.
Bismuth (Bi) – Just wanted to say thanks for that bit of gossip you dropped on lead when we ran into each other at the bar. Priceless! And when I say ‘priceless,’ I mean give me back my Mastercard, you skank.
Polonium (Po) – I would think that a metal with 27 different isotopes could produce one – just one – that isn’t highly radioactive. But not you, polonium. This above all: to thine own self be true. Even if you’re a one-note radioactive dick.
Astatine (As) – Pardon me, but how did you even get on the periodic table in the first place? Did you have to bribe a security guard at IUPAC? It couldn’t have been much if you’re stuck with the halogen group. Tell chlorine I said Piss Off.
Radon (Rn) – There’s no easy way to say this, radon, so I’ll just come out with it. You are what happens when radium farts. Forget sulphur; you’re the real candidate for the ‘silent-but-deadly’ label on the list. So from now on I’m going to call you Mr. Cancer Fart.
Francium (Fr) – I just think it’s sad that you can afford only one valence electron. I’d give you some of mine, but I'm not sure you'd put them to proper use. Maybe if you were a little more stable you could find a commercial application and really make something of yourself.
Radium (Ra) – You bastard. You killed Marie Curie. And you have radioactive farts, which is beyond disgusting.
Actinium (Ac) – I’ll give you and your actinoid buddies props for being heavier and more radioactive than the lanthanoids. But I’m getting awfully tired of telling you to get your crap out of the front yard. Property values are already in the trash, and I don’t need your rusty Corvette on cinder blocks stinking up my resale value.
Thorium (Th) – You know what’s really cool, thorium? When you reenact the entire ‘you-think-I’m-funny’ monologue from Goodfellas. If this is 1993 then that shit is hysterical. Oh hey, would you look at the date.