Niobium (Nb) – Niobium, that plucky element, mostly comes from Brazil. So how come it took a week to reply to my tweet about Terry Gilliam’s only undisputed masterpiece? And here’s what niobium said: “Is that the guy who made 12 Monkeys? OMG what a mindf**k 12 Monkeys was!! Did not understand.” Knob.
Molybdenum (Mo) – Molybdenum, you’re supposed to be a good lubricant at high temperatures where normal oils dissolve. I took your word for it. Now I've got a class action lawsuit to deal with.
Technetium (Tc) – Ugh. Technetium usually stays the hell away from humanity and does its thing in the hearts of stars, but ever since the advent of nuclear reactors, technetium has been showing up on Terra by the kilo. You’ll know technetium when you meet it because it can’t stop talking about Kraftwerk and Doctor Who.
Rhodium (Rh) – Let’s set aside your drippy name for a moment, which will always remind me of a sitcom spin-off. I understand you’re part of the ‘platinum group’ of elements. Get serious, rhodium. Those guys will drop you as soon as their investment house of cards collapses. And you know who’ll be holding the bill at the end of it all? Not palladium, that’s for sure.
Palladium (Pd) – Palladium, this is the fifth message I’ve left. You came over last Thursday and absorbed 900 times your volume in hydrogen. You impressed the hell out of my wife, but the fun’s over and I want my hydrogen back. I’ll take it up with rubidium, jerk.
Silver (Ag) – Between Echo & The Bunnymen and LCD Soundsystem, not to mention those people who’ve gone all grey-skinned from colloidal silver, I’m tempted to give you a pass. Then I remember that you’re mentioned in the Bible and I just know that there’s some sad deluded dope out there who’s wearing silver nippleguards in accordance with some throwaway line from Numbers, and I hate you all over again.
Cadmium (Cd) – Look, I don’t really care about you, cadmium. I don’t care what you get up to with all those other elements. Hey, different strokes, right? But when you take your ‘lifestyle choice’ and parade it in the streets and in our schools, you’ve gone too far. And stop picking me up in bars and sleeping with me. It’s disgusting.
Indium (In) – I bought a mirror for my bathroom the other day thinking it was coated with silver. But when I found out that it was coated with you, I had to return it to Home Depot. I’m just not that comfortable with the thought of you looking at me while I’m in the shower. You creep me out.
Tin (Sn) – Allow me to indulge in a syllogism. All items eaten by goats are either garbage or goat food. Goats eat tin cans. Guess what, tin: you’re not goat food. Modus tollendo ponens SNAP!