improving your vocabulary

[Long past midnight. Schmutzie and The Palinode are in bed but they're not sleeping. Maybe they're drunk.]

Schmutzie: Today was such a lousy day. I seriously wanted to stab myself with a fork.

Palinode: You want to stab yourself with a fork, you just let me know in advance.

Schmutzie: I'll be like, I'M IN THE KITCHEN AND I'M ABOUT TO STAB MYSELF WITH THIS FORK.

Palinode: And I'll be all, DON'T DO IT, I'M COMING TO YOU WITH ALACRITY.

Schmutzie: And then I'll say, IT'S OKAY I'M NOT GOING TO STAB MYSELF NOW BECAUSE I'M IN THE OTHER ROOM LOOKING UP ALACRITY ON DICTIONARY.COM.

Palinode: Between me and the internet, you'll never come to harm.