[Long past midnight. Schmutzie and The Palinode are in bed but they're not sleeping. Maybe they're drunk.]
Schmutzie: Today was such a lousy day. I seriously wanted to stab myself with a fork.
Palinode: You want to stab yourself with a fork, you just let me know in advance.
Schmutzie: I'll be like, I'M IN THE KITCHEN AND I'M ABOUT TO STAB MYSELF WITH THIS FORK.
Palinode: And I'll be all, DON'T DO IT, I'M COMING TO YOU WITH ALACRITY.
Schmutzie: And then I'll say, IT'S OKAY I'M NOT GOING TO STAB MYSELF NOW BECAUSE I'M IN THE OTHER ROOM LOOKING UP ALACRITY ON DICTIONARY.COM.
Palinode: Between me and the internet, you'll never come to harm.