How George Lucas left this Earth for another dimension, or outer space, or something

Spoilers, I guess.

[A giant room in the heart of the Skywalker Ranch. George Lucas is meeting with director Steven Spielberg and screenwriter David Koepp.]

Spielberg: So let's review what we've got in this film so far. We've got a '50s Cold War setting...

Lucas: Hey, you know that warehouse of secrets from the end of the first film? Can we set a scene in this one?

Spielberg: Sure.

Lucas: And it'll be Area 51!

Spielberg: What?

Lucas: Yeah, it'll be Area 51 and there'll be an alien corpse that'll be magnetic and Indy will get captured by the Commies to find it and he will find it! He'll take bullets from the Commies and use the gunpowder in the bullets to locate the alien corpse that's magnetic--

Koepp: That's awesome! He gets all the bullets from the Commies so they can't fight back when he swings into action Indy mode! You are a legend, George!

Lucas: What? No, it's just some cool shit I thought up. It doesn't have anything to do with anything. Hey, who the fuck are you?

Koepp: I wrote the script. It's under your can of Fanta.

Lucas: Yeah? Hey thanks! My Fanta is sweating in this heat! So he finds the alien corpse and then he gets betrayed by Mac -

Koepp: Mac?

Lucas: Yeah, Mac is Indy's good buddy who turns out to be a Commie.

Koepp: I've never heard of this guy. There's no Mac in my script.

Lucas: He and Indy have been through tons of adventures. It's all in the Indy video games I've got in the hopper.

Koepp: Video games?

Lucas: Yeah. Do your research. Steven, can I eat this guy? George hungry now, Steven. Him hungry!

Spielberg: George, we need the screenwriter. I brought you a goat.

Lucas: Give goat George! Give goat!

Spielberg: Bring out the goat!

[A P.A. leads a goat into the room and flees. Almost too swift for the eye to follow, Lucas' flesh billows out from beneath his turtleneck and engulfs the animal, then drags it inexorably into his True Mouth. Koepp turns grey.]

Koepp: Ah Jesus...

Spielberg: Don't sweat it David. [to Lucas] So you were telling us about Mac?

Lucas: Yeah. Who? What?

Spielberg: He's Indy's best buddy.

Lucas: I think I'm going to put out a bunch of animated Indy & Mac specials. That'll show those fuckers. Coppola, DiPalma, fucking ... Bogdanavitch ... fuckin' ...

Spielberg: Sounds fantastic George! Fantastic!

Koepp: Oh God ... that noise ... the goat's still alive in there ...

Lucas: ... mmm. Arghhnnngghh. And then Indy gets away from the Commies and he ends up in one of those crazy fake towns where they do nuclear testing? And then they do nuclear testing on it? But Indy hides out in a lead-lined fridge and he gets blown right out of the blast radius.

Spielberg: I'm sure David can work that in.

Koepp: You ... you goat-eating mutant fucker.

Spielberg: David, shut up!

Koepp: Indiana Jones is a 65 year old archaeology prof, not a Jedi. Even if he could survive a one megaton nuclear blast at ground zero in a lead-lined fridge, which he couldn't, he'd be locked inside the fridge. He would suffocate. He would die, scratching for life, in the hot, reeking dark.

[A horrible frozen moment. Spielberg whips his eyes back and forth. Lucas' face has gone slack, his eyes glassy. A thread of spittle unspools from the corner of his mouth. The bell on the goat's collar tinkles from somewhere underneath his turtleneck.]

Lucas: Okay, so the refrigerator is thrown, I dunno, miles or something, and Indy tumbles out. And then he comes face-to-face with a funny little gopher!

Spielberg: Sorry, what?

Lucas: A gopher! I've got a whole unit working on making a CGI gopher. We based it on the code for rendering a Hutt. Just remove the tail and add some fur.

Spielberg: George, I've got to be honest with you, I don't see what a computerized gopher adds to the story.

Lucas: Steve, we have been friends for forty years and I love you like an Imzadi, but I will rip your stupid face off and grate it onto my Cobb salad. I fucking swear.

Spielberg: Okay. One gopher.

Lucas: And a huge army of giant ants that drag people down into their giant ant lair. They're not there for the 'story', Steven, they're there because it will freak people's shit out.

Koepp: That works for me.

Spielberg: Oh yeah. Yeah! I can see it.

Lucas: And to top it off, Indy and Marion and their kid Mutt and crazy Professor Oxley and Mac will find the ancient aliens, and then they will open up an interdimensional portal back to their home world, and then they take off in their spaceship -

Koepp: Wait a sec. Which is it?

Lucas: Which is what, talking meat?

Koepp: Talking meat?

Spielberg: I think what David means to ask is, if the aliens open up an interdimensional portal, then they wouldn't need a spaceship. And if they have a spaceship, then they wouldn't need to open up an interdimensional portal. You see where he's coming from on this, right?

Lucas: I'm going to make this really clear. First, they open up a portal. Then, they fly away in their spaceship.

Koepp: So they fly the spaceship into the portal?

Lucas: What? No, the spaceship is too big! It can't - Steven, where the fuck did you get this talking goat from?

Koepp: But I don't understand.

Lucas: ANGRY!

[Lucas starts shaking. The room begins to collapse around them. An interdimensional portal opens up above Lucas' head, drawing up all the furniture and memorabilia into its blazing maw. Spielberg and Koepp run from the flood waters, which pretty come out of nowhere. Then they find themselves at the bottom of a hole. A shaft of water shoots them out of the hole to safety on the side of a hill. From their position of safety they watch the Skywalker Ranch collapse into itself. From the wreckage a spaceship rises up and flies away.]

Koepp: That made so much sense.