#12 Bad Idea: Stop Using Friends as a Weapon

Anyway, so what if The Dastardly Scientists perfected a means of turning friendship into a weapon? With those white lab coats and beakers they're always carrying around, not to mention all the judicious pointing at clipboards they do, I wouldn't be surprised.

There are two ways to weaponize friendship: the medieval and the modern method. The medieval method involves having your best pals lobbed at you from a trebuchet, usually on fire and toothless. The fire is tactical; the dental condition is the result of poor hygiene.

The modern method is more complicated. The Dastardly Scientists, if you can believe it, have developed a Friendship Ray, which is capable of delivering the obligations of years of friendship in a single concentrated burst. One moment the enemy is on the march, and the next moment they're catching up on years of Christmas cards, answering hundreds of Facebook friend requests, repaying debts, nurturing hurt feelings and reconnecting with people they haven't seen in forever. As if by magic, the night of the attack needs to be delayed because everyone suddenly has plans to go out with their friends or attend a dinner party, and you know, they'd go to war and everything, but they said they'd go see Quantum of Solace with James a month ago. Yes, we all know the movie sucks, but James is our friend, and it's more about hanging out and having a drink afterward.

Fortunately, I hear that other scientists are working on Shitty Friend pills, which allow you to bail out on plans, not return calls and pretend like you didn't get that text message.