I've heard these are historic times and all that. An African-American has won the White House, a Jewish man is his Chief of Staff, all that groundbreaking stuff. But has everyone forgotten that there's just so much about Obama that we simply don't know? As recently as 10:59 pm on Tuesday November 4th, unanswered questions about Obama's past, his associations, his 'dealings' with 'community organizations', swirled around him in an obfuscating cloud. But now he's your President-elect, and those questions have been magically puffed away like a bad fart. Well, I'm no American, but if I were, I'd stand outside the White House for the next two months with a gigantic placard. I don't know what the placard would say, but in my pocket there'd be a piece of paper with the following questions for this President-elect about whom we know so much little:
1. Mr. Obama, for the last two years you've been campaigning tirelessly, first to be the Democratic candidate, then as the Presidential candidate. There were periods before this - don't deny it, sir - when you campaigned for the office of Governor. I have difficulty believing that a man so addicted to candidacy can lay down his candidate pipe so easily. What are you running for now, Mr. Obama? Mayor McCheese? King of Revy Home & Garden? Overlord of The Gap?
2. At today's press conference, you asked a reporter "What happened to your arm?" But the camera never moved to show us this supposedly injured reporter. Mr. Obama, is it not true that the reporter in question was an amputee?
3. In 1971, during the height of the Vietnam War, Bill Ayers and his domestic terrorist gang were waging their campaign of fear against America. Several years later, you were woken in the middle of the night by a strange buzzing noise and a bilious glow coming through your window. You slipped on your bathrobe and stumbled into the backyard, where a shining meteor had partially buried itself in the ground. Startled but somehow compelled, you knelt down an placed your palm upon the alien rock, whereupon an extraterrestrial intelligence transferred itself into your mind and condemned you to live out your days as a symbiote with an energy being from Rigel-4. Mr. President-elect, will you finally come clean about your relationship with Mr. Ayers? And that black guy, the priest? Yeah, those two?
4. Why do your daughters have nictitating membranes over their eyes and vestigial throat sacs and gills? What do you know about the amphibious future that other Americans may not?
5. Is it not true, Mr. Obama, that your campaign slogan "Change You Can Believe In" ends in a preposition? And is it also not true that your other slogan, "Yes we can," discriminates against the lazy, the apathetic, the stupid, the terminally TV-addled, the self-pitying, the whining, the blame-casting and the just plain mean of spirit? Those assholes are people too, you know.
6. Apparently Zeus sent you a congratulatory message but Yahweh did not. No questions there, just - well, I didn't think Zeus paid much attention to politics.
7. Over the last eight years the Republicans have worked tirelessly to grant George W. Bush with godlike powers to spy on people without warrants, kidnap innocents and torture them indefinitely, screw habeus corpus right in its liberal ear, shoot laser beams from his eyes and basically stomp on any law if deemed necessary. They have taken the Presidential cloth and tailored it into an armoured, weaponized shell. Now that walking tank of an office is being handed over to you. You, um, you're not going to abuse absolutely your new absolute power, are you?