A message from John “Do Want!” Kornford, President and CEO of Lolcats.com Inc.
On behalf of Lolcats.com Inc. board and staff, let me welcome you to the most exciting new corporation to come along in years - or as we would say, yearz!
I’m extremely pleased that you “do want” to be “wurkin in r company, maximizing r and ur profitz”. As a new employee, you’ve got the chance to get in on the first major wave of Lolcats mania. Our professional research has shown that captioning amateur photos of cats with humorous 'leet-style' pidgin grammar is about to hit the mainstream – and the mainstream will never be the same. “Halp!” Our competitors will cry, “Youz invaded r murket shair!” And that’s just the beginning.
At Lolcats.com, we’re in it for the long haul. We like career-minded people who are serious about their prospects for the corporation. We think you’ve got what it takes to ride the Lolcats.com wave to the future, riding aboard our unique two-plank corporate vision:
Are you aboard with us? Of course you are! I am aware that my nautical metaphor is not the best suited for a company whose product involves cats, but I’m sure you will understand that it is just a metaphor, and that no cats are intended to be aboard, metaphorically or literally. That also means that employees are not permitted to bring cats into the building, as we share space with an allergy clinic and it is not considerate to their clients to have cats escaping into their offices and bringing on more threats of lawsuits. That was a refreshing diversion! But it is still important.
So what do we expect from you? Under our unique incentive system, employees of Lolcats.com are expected to produce five humorous captions per day. Employees must adhere to the rigorous standards of lolcats grammar, which we call ‘gramr’. Exceptions to the gramr rule are permitted in our ‘Spock cat’ product line, which features serious looking cats speaking in ironically perfect English. Other exceptions to the standard product include the classic ‘lolrus’ and ‘lolpets’ specialty lines.
We also encourage employees to think ‘outside the litter box,’ as it were. But don’t forget the ‘unahfishul’ corporate motto: If It Ain’t Lolcats, We Really Don’t Care! Market research shows conclusively that lolcat popularity will continue to ‘bubble’ upward for the next two decades, so why would you mess with a great thing? It’s just not worth anyone’s while.
Employees are also urged to help maintain our intellectual property rights. Any use, posting, ‘screensaving’ or retelling of extracorporate lolcats images or ‘gramr’ is forbidden on company property. As well, any sighting of same on the internet or in public or private spaces elsewhere should be reported to our attorney immediately, as unauthorized lolcat use represents an infringement of our rights.
Don’t forget: it is your commitment that will keep Lolcats.com Inc. alive and thriving for years to come. See you next Caturday bitchz!!!
K thx bye