making a porn from common household objects

So like everyone else in your postal code, you want to make your own pornography. Disappointed by the little pictures on the internet and the general low quality of cheap gonzo porn - the erotic equivalent of reality TV - you've decided that it's time to take control of your own sexual entertainment. There's no shame in the impulse, but like most others, you really don't know where to start. You don't have a hot tub in the backyard or an outpatient recovery room in the garage. Have no fear. This is a guide to making a low-cost, entertaining porn in your own home out of cheap, easy-to-find materials. At worst, a quick trip to the hardware store will solve your problems.

The first thing you'll need is a roll of chicken wire. Unroll a section and shape it like a cone, with a depression at the top. Make sure the depression is relatively deep, let's say 1/5 of the total height of the cone. I'm not going to tell you how big to make the cone, but since this is porn, the bigger the better.

Next make a paste out of equal parts flour and water. Alter mixture to desired consistency. Add white glue for extra stickiness. Don't worry about not making enough, because you can always make more if you run out.

Soak strips of newspaper in the paste and begin to lay the strips over the chicken wire. Continue until the surface area of the chicken wire is completely covered. Keep covering the cone with the paste-soaked paper until you can no longer see the pattern of the chicken wire and you're fairly sure that you'll be able to handle the cone without puncturing it. Let dry in a well-ventilated room.

Once your paper cone is dry, it's time to get busy with the tempera paints. Mix some brown tempera in water and start painting the cone brown. Let dry. For added flourishes, you may want to paint the tip a nice fiery red. Paint the base of the cone green if you like to indicate plants. Get creative!

Now it's time to decorate your cone. I like to use old Monopoly houses and pieces of real greenery to glue around the base. This step only takes a few extra minutes and really pays off in production values when you get to the shoot.

Now that your cone is ready, it's time to find a woman. Women are available just about anywhere, except for certain mosques, some conservative think tanks, and wherever dough-faced white men are paid ridiculous amounts of money to do screw-all except make us miserable. Women are so prevalent that you yourself may be one (make sure to check). If you are a woman you may decide to use yourself, but in porn, as in most creative endeavours, much of the joy comes in sitting back and enjoying what you've created.

N.B.: Some people believe that a woman is not necessary for pornography, citing the 'gay male' genre as evidence. In fact gay male porn is largely a myth, and most entries in the genre are the result of management oversight combined with packed shooting schedules.

Once you've found your woman (again, make sure to check), you should dress her in a sexy outfit, like a bikini and cowboy boots, or - my personal favourite - a neon yellow unitard with a football helmet. That's probably the best.

Still with us? You're almost ready to make your own porn!

The final step comes in preparing the money shot. This is the most important element in porn, the bit that signals that the scene has come to the end. Most porn consumers will not understand that the sex act has finished unless you show a great burp of ejaculation all over the place. Otherwise they will stare at the screen until it gets dark out and they start to snooze.

For maximum effect, the woman should actively participate in the money shot. First, she should approach the cone, probably sexily, and pour baking soda into the depression. Then, with a sexy flourish, she should pour vinegar into the baking soda. The resulting chemical reaction will cause oodles of frothy, acidic foam to erupt from the cone and pour down onto the base of the cone, where the Monopoly villagers live their quiet lives. The woman should raise her fists (sexily) and say, "I am your God! Die, puny villagers, die!" You can imagine the reaction of the villagers: some run, some pray, others realize that their last moments are at hand, and they start fucking like mad. Disaster sex, that's the hottest kind.