Yarrrghhh yargh

Hey people, here's a flat contradiction of God's message of love in the Christian scriptures:

It. is. to. puke. and. such. Billed as a "smooth and creamy dessert tea," when it should be marketed as the latest harbinger of the end times. Even now News Testaments all over the world (even those boxfuls they left on the moon) are rewriting themselves to accommodate the nihilus ex omnio of Vanilla Nut Creme Decaf Tea Pointless Shit. I'll go get my Bible and show you. From John 3:16 -

"For God so loved the world that - what? Really? Oh that is just sick."

And in 1st Corinthians 5:1-2 -

"It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that is not found even among pagans; for a man is living with his father's wife. And you are arrogant!"


Okay, there's no reference to tea in that passage. But those Corinthians were some kinky freaks. Oh heck, since we're here, let's see what else Paul has to say about that immoral guy who's been shtupping his stepma:

"For though absent in body, I am present in spirit; and as if present I have already pronounced judgment in the name of the Lord Jesus on the man who has done such a thing. When you are assembled, and my spirit is present with the power of the Lord Jesus, you are to hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord".

Of course, this should not be taken at face value. What it means is that they'll excommunicate the the poor bastard (stepmotherfucker?) and force him to drink vanilla nut creme decaf tea.

UPDATE: You know what? Forget the tea schtick. It's just some stupid tea. Right now I'm really fixating on Paul saying that he's absent in body but present in spirit, and therefore able to pass judgment. I think there should be an afternoon TV religious drama: Judge Paul: the Astral Projection Judge! You need the exclamation mark or it all falls apart. Every week someone would come to court with some biblical crime or other (ate leavened bread while neighbour's wife was menstruating on the third Sabbath of the year or something) and the floating spirit of Paul would pass judgment. Bonus laughs when he tries to strike his incorporeal gavel! At the end Satan comes out and destroys the offender's flesh. Possible alternate title: GhostPaul's Tuff Love Court.