alternate titles for Harlan Ellison's I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream

I Have No Tea And I Must Steep
I Have No Teeth And I Must Floss
I Have No Thirst And I Must Quench
I Have No Cap And I Must Doff
I Have No Pants And I Must Leave the House
I Have No Proust And I Must Bore (my wife)
I Have No Yeast And I Must Leaven
I Have No Car And I Must Needlessly Pollute While Perpetuating a Culture of Individualistic Excess
I Have No Midichlorians And I Must Be Fucking Joking. Midichlorians?
I Have No Life And I Must Blog
I Have No Blog And I Must Rant
I Have No Snipes And I Must Act
I Have No Sponge And I Must Sop
I Have No Affected Area And I Must Apply Liberally
I Have No Clue And I'm Your Boss
I Have No Bongos And I Must Start A Drum Circle in the Park Because I Am A Giant Asshole
I Have No Knees And That Is Gross
I Have No Pooch And I Must Screw
I Have No Stake and I Must Push My Irrelevant Agenda
I Have No Flair And I Must Distinguish Myself in Today's Competitive Marketplace
I Have No Porn And I Might As Well Do Something Productive