new service: praise on demand

Today's top communications firms all agree that effective, on-message PR and a targeted ad campaign are instrumental in marketing your product, whether that product is widgets or financial services. Even blogs can benefit from solid advertising.

Starting today, I'm adding a new service to complement Ask Palinode. For the grand total of no money, I will produce short blurbs for your weblog. Each blurb is guaranteed to increase traffic to your site contain 100% words. Or at least things that look like words.

Here's an example of what you can expect:

Are you kind of person who reads Palinode's Palace?

What kind of person reads Palinode's Palace? If you're here, then you're a little different than other people. You've seen what the rest of the world has to offer, but you want more. More nerve twitches, more goose carcasses, more laughs in the desert - just more.

If you read Palinode's Palace, you're probably the kind of person who enjoys spending time on a park bench, watching the world go by - even if you get so frustrated with the trees and the children that you just want to burn the whole thing to ash and start over with a stolen steamroller.

You're probably the kind of person who gets impatient with the moon because it takes a whole month to go through its cycle, only to scream in terror when it reveals its vast blank lost face to you, its mournful craters communicating some primal message in a forgotten language. You don't need the moon's pity - only its approval.

You probably made a little mistake back in the '70s, but you've had so much cosmetic surgery done that the authorities will never recognize you. And besides, everyone else is dead.

Are you looking for a new experience? Something that will wake up you up and let you taste the day for what it is, and just, you know, lick it all over? Find that new experience at Palinode's Palace.

All you need to do is provide me with a few specifics: site address, preferred blurb length, and of course, target demographic. I understand from this pamphlet that advertising must always address a target demographic. You can also send an image of your choice, which I will be forced to include, unless I don't want to. Maybe I'll include a drawing of my own. Whatcha think?

I also need a catchy name for the service. I like 'Blurb-o-Matic'. I know it sounds pretty similar to another site, but it sounds so catchy.

Caveat: I will review your site before I write up a blurb. If I find the content objectionable, then no blurb for you. So if you spend your time explaining to the world how Muslims are barbaric freaks who couldn't possibly be ordinary people like you and me, or you don't know why those feminazis keep on demanding respect and equal pay when they're clearly ugly, don't ask for a blurb (and don't worry, I can tell if you're joking). Spare yourself the anger and me the gut sickness I get when I read stuff like that. On the other hand, if you'd like to prove that your bullshit earns you persecuted minority points, feel free to use the experience as an example of being hounded by the fascist liberal left. You can say things like "truly chilling" and "again the loony left shows its true face".