year zero in palinode's palace and elsewhere on the property, as defined by the hedges

Monday: 113 unique visitors, 167 page loads.

Dooceday: 4831 unique visitors, 7384 page loads.

Ye gods. I'm never going to get hits like that again, unless I host live streaming media of my upcoming cosmetic surgery to look more like Colin Farrell (step 1: staple caterpillars to eyebrows; step 2: all done!). And all it took it was a few minutes to make fun of one piece of mail.

Well, I can see which side my bread's buttered on. Time to make fun of everything else in my mailbox.

1) What's this? Ah-ha. Ah ha ha ha. It's my power bill! What a larf! These schnooks want money for electricity! Hey dudes - I'll just rub my cat against a blanket if I want to build up a charge, if you see where I'm going with that - and you do, don't you? Suck it, Power Company!

2) Oh! My aching sides! Phone and internet now! They want my money. Hey Phone Company, why don't you just phone me? Don't you know my number? I'll pick up if I'm not too busy ignoring you because holy crap, I owe you a lot of money.

3) Someone stop my swift tilt to the floor, please! It's misaddressed mail! Wait, that's not funny. That's just stuff that got lost.

4) A pizza flyer. New specials... choice of toppings... don't forget to ask for that tumor-looking crust that Jessica Simpson feeds to teenage boys... whatever happened to the P'zone Revolution? Did it go underground? Splinter into factions? Must ask when I order...

5) Hey, my grandmother sent me an Easter card early! That's nice of her. I treasure the cards and notes she sends, because one day they'll serve as a remembrance of her. My chest will be an ark bearing her memory over the dark cold ocean of the future.

Okay, all done. Man, making fun of mail, that's good stuff.