When I launched my Ask Palinode service - free in 34 countries! - I expected a flood of filthy questions. A big raging flood, tenting the dams of ignorance until the pressure of curiosity built up and questions spewed forth. And nine months later, an answer was born! That's where we get knowledge from.
Finally I detect a crack in the dam. Today's crack comes from Janet, who asks:
Which is more cost-effective in the long run: a penile implant or a prescription for Viagra? Just curious as to your opinion.
As long as there have been men, Janet, there have been penises on them. And as long as there have been penises, there have been penis problems. Some of these problems stem from the erections that soldiers get after they've shot all the husbands and bayoneted all the children. Some problems arise when men discover that their erections are not the same size as the freakishly small percentage of men who appear in porn. And other problems dangle limply from men who discover that, despite their most intense powers of concentration and years of ninja training, they can't achieve or sustain a decent erection.
Some contend that erectile dysfunction is primarily a result of complications from vascular disease, medications or therapies, neurological and psychological problems. The truth is that there is only one cause, and all underlying conditions only symptoms: the sufferers have unwittingly given offense to Cthulhu and the Old Ones, who sleep the ages away in the ancient stone city of R'lyeh, having in the intervening aeons passed beyond death. One day they will awake and take further vengeance on humanity, but until then they've cursed certain men with impotence. There are no curses for women - the Old Ones like and respect women, feeling that the patriarchal system has already disadvantaged them enough. In secret they campaign for wage equality and subsidized daycare, sending their depraved servants forth into the world to write thoughtful op-eds on a variety of topics.
There's also Peyronie's Disease, which is not related to Cthulhu, and is in fact Yahweh's version of the same eldritch curse.
Thousands of years of effort have shown that you cannot petition Cthulhu with prayer, so for remedy we must turn to mundane means. There are a number of ways to make your penis go from point A to B:
- The Vacuum Pump. Based on the principle that nature abhors a vacuum, these devices pull your penis into a suction tube and, uh, plump it up some. Like just about anything else in this dumbass free-for-all that we call the modern world, you can get cheap pumps that will probably herniate you good, or you can get super-duper top of the line implements with replaceable parts and packaging that doesn't feature a gay porn model on its cover.
For those of you who feel thrifty or broke, I suggest the Rookie-of-the-Year Pump, weighing in at only $12.95 USD. Product highlights include a "clear tube tunnel" for viewing results. Because we all know how time-consuming it is to have to pull your penis out of your pleasure pump every time you need to check on it.
On the other end of the scale sits the Osbon ErecAid System Esteem, which will set you back 448 genuine American dollars. Powered by batteries and boasting "ergonomic design," the ErecAid comes with a warranty and a convenient carryng case. It also claims a whopping 90% success rate (take that, Cthulhu!). These expensive models may only be used for intimate sexual congress with your wife; illicit or 'pervy' sex will make your penis blow up.
- Viagra. In its never-ending battle against the sleeping beasts of R'lyeh, Pfizer introduced this drug in 1998. As a star describes a course about the night sky, so did Pfizer's profits soar high above the atmosphere as men by the millions lined up to pay $10 per pill. Millions of couples mistook a hard cock for self-esteem and made of an erection a fulcrum on which to pivot an ageing marriage into a satisfactory position. Yahoo! Viagra, or Sildenafil, should be taken 30 minutes to 4 hours before intercourse. Side effects range from persistent headaches to sudden death. Other side effects include outrageous volumes of spam, which is more of a side effect from having an email account anywhere on Earth.
- Implants. It's not as easy as you may think for the casual inquirer to get a price quote for penile implants. You wouldn't believe how many confused silences you get when you say, "No, I don't have erectile dysfunction... I um, I have an online advice column". After a bit of digging, though, I found out that a simple inflatable implant (squeeze scrotum twice for full erection) can be purchased and installed (by a qualified urologist) for around $25,000 USD. The device consists of two malleable rods implanted on either side of the urethra, with a connecting line to the squeezy bulb (for squeezing) and a resevoir. It is actually a small scale model of Cthulhu itself, whose monstrous shape and aspect will send your brain screaming into insanity. Therefore the operation can only be performed by a fully qualified and certifiably blind urologist. Urologists were once blindfolded before they performed the procedure, but the malice of the AMS Ambicor Implant System was such that it seemed to leech into the fabric of the fold and imprint itself on the eyes of the hapless urologists, who would run from the operating room screaming, "R'lyeh! Yog-Sothoth! YOG-SOTHOTH!" and such like.
Update: It was brought to my attention by my brain that, in all my fervor, I neglected to answer the part of the question that dealt with cost-effectiveness, which is to say that I neglected to answer the question altogether. So sorry. Let's assume that the average age for impotence is fifty. It may be younger, but I'm thirty-five already, and I'd like to believe that I'm fifeen years from the age of flaccidity. If your average young-at-heart but limp-of-dick fifty-year old goes and gets his pump/Viagra/implant at fifty, let's say that he has twenty good humping years ahead of him. Furthermore, let's assume that our humping machine goes at it three times a week. Way to go, grandpa!
The Pump. The Timmedical Osbon ErecAid System Esteem is under a lifetime warranty, although I'd read the fine print, since normal use of the device usually constitutes abuse with any other product. If the warranty holds up, you could conceivably enjoy twenty years of humping for only $400-$450, with $500.00 more for batteries, Windex, and other sundries. This, my friends, is a good deal.
Viagra. With twenty years of sex, three times per week, ten bucks per fuck, you're looking at a whole lot of cash for your dash. Believe it or not, you may spend up to $31,200, not taking inflation into account. Once you factor in dinner and a bottle of wine, sex begins to look prohibitively expensive. Do you want to look at your spouse and think, There's ten bucks for ten minutes? I didn't think so.
Implants. It's true: the cost of an implant and surgery may run up to $25,000. With a ten year warranty on parts (but not labour), you may find yourself spending no more than $30,000 on your god-given right to shtup every inviting hole you come across with no more compunction than you'd squeeze your scrotum - which is all you need to do to get it up. Medically insured surgery with a few months recovery time will guarantee you instant erections on demand! No inconvenient waiting period! Get up and get off in record time! Don't let age and illness stop your big-cock rights as guaranteed in the Constitution! Rights void if used for the queer stuff.
What are ye, some kind of not-curious person? Ask the Palinode any question. Any question at all. He will answer you. The power of Christ compels him. Askpalinode @ gmail . com.