I combat global warming in three steps. So can you.

There's no doubt any more: the world is getting warmer. Except for the parts that are getting colder. And the parts that aren't warming or cooling so much as getting wetter. And then some bits are getting dryer. But there's one thing we can all agree on: the world is getting warmer. As temperatures tick up and the oceans rise, we will soon have to get used to growing pineapples in Alaska and sharing our neighbourhoods with fish.

Clearly this is an unacceptable state of affairs: carpooling with fish, tending the pineapples, and witnessing the nightly news spectacle of Tuvaluans wading to work. In the absence of a concerted efforts by governments to halt this situation, it's up to individuals to take action. But what to do?

You do what I do.

1) Icecubes. As the world warms up, icecubes cool it back down. If everyone carried icecubes in their pockets, the combined coolingness effect would bring temperatures back to optimal levels. Do not carry too many icecubes or place them in the brim of your hat, or you may plunge the world into another Ice Age. What are you thinking? Damn.

2) Petition the lord with prayer. For those of you tired of practical solutions, you can ask the Numinous to lend a hand.* Best results come from praying out loud at work in the lobby. Inviting people to come over for a bowl of popcorn, a joint and a Left Behind marathon is so effective that you may freeze solid, you'll be just that cool.

3) Stools. Not the stools that you sample - I'm talking about the kind you stand on. Although you can stand on any sort of stools. Anyway. If the icecubes and the prayer don't cut it, and the waters begin to rise and the salmon escape their fish farms and come looking for vengeance (and they will), you're going to need that edge to make it in tomorrow's exciting extra-aquatic business environment brave new world. Get proactive and stand on a stool. It'll give you that extra bit of height you need to keep from drowning.

Okay, going to bed now.

*If you follow the Gospel of Thomas, you can ask for a hand in place of a hand.