rad lobster
Sunday, January 30, 2005 at 2:03PM Oh, I've been to Red Lobsters. I've eaten in Red Lobsters atop high mountains and watched the TCBYs migrate through the misty valleys below. I've taken bathysphere trips down to the Marinara Mariana Trench and tried their MSG 'n' Cheddar biscuits at pressures unfathomable to the human mind (this is why I'm so small, by the way - I got crushed). On those endless asphalt plains at the edges of cities across the continent I've been cordially seated in those faux-Maritime booths. I've had overdone tilapia in Irving, Texas. I've eaten overdescribed scallops in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. Once I went five minutes into the future and got served slightly before everyone else at the table. In Brampton I penetrated the armoured flanks of a Jack Astor's and a TGI Friday's to get to that Red Lobster in distress. A Red Lobster high up in a tower let down a meaty Alaskan king crab leg for me to climb up. Years ago I found a crystal coffin with a Red Lobster sleeping sweetly within, awaiting my kiss to wake up and start serving me my goddamn scampi. When I wake to darkness and the alarm clock registers three AM, the peeping of Red Lobsters at the window seizes me with a mingled terror and nostalgia.
Please discuss with the following points in mind:
What is the primary conflict in this piece?
a) Man vs. environment
b) Man vs. meaty Alaskan King Crab legs
c) Man vs. succulent Snow Crab Leg Buffet, all day Wednesdays
d) Man vs. Jimmy Buffet
e) Man vs. participating locations only
What's a tortoise?
a) You ever seen a turtle, Leon?
b) Same thing.
What parts of this piece can plausibly be deemed truthful?
a) Some bits
b) None bits
c) Every last goddamn syllable, right down to the butter in the bowl.
lies 
Reader Comments (7)
The day I got here I ordered spaghetti with marinara trench, and I got egg noodles and ketchup.
Mr. Saucy
You're an average nobody. You get to live the rest of your life as a schnook.
Answer to question one
a.
Why? Because you had to go to all those incredible places like the deepest part of the ocean to get one of those sea spider's.
Could also be e because those sea creatures you ate are not exactly served everywhere but I am going to stick to a
Answer to Question two.
Who the hell is Leon? And it probably should been have you seen a terrestrial turtle, Leon? Or is Leon your pet tortoise?
Answer to question three.
a)As a whole, I never believe everything I read.
Did I get them right? Did I, Huh, huh. Or are you going to blast me like you didi the last guy that wouldn't play your game?
Dear Executive Housewife:
You made a fine attempt at what was an exceedingly difficult quiz. Let's see how you did.
1. The answer is actually e), since not all locations participate, and to go up against a non-participatory location just doesn't seem sporting. But I like your answer better.
2. Leon is a Nexus-6 replicant from the offworld colonies. He's never seen a tortoise, a turtle, or a terrapin, so you can't fault him for being a little confused.
3. Correct. Some bits is what is true of that story. A great deal of what I write is false, and I go to great pains to hide the factual parts. But it's the god's honest that the scallops I ate in Saskatoon were overdescribed.
So there you are. One answer correct, one answer better than the one I had in mind, and one question in place of a proper answer, which from a rhetorical position is probably superior. Final score: 7 out of 2.
As for the fellow that I blasted for not playing my game, let me say that a) that was my brother commenting and he deserves what he gets, and b) we were playing a different game hidden inside the one I had set up. It's downright ludic.
Damn my first guess was E and I changed it. Just goes to show you should always stick withyour first answer. Thanks a bunch for letting me know how I did.
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